Still no phone call from the CMHT, at least that I’ve been home to pick up. I’m wondering about phoning them. I’m still getting messages from the TV and Signs from everywhere about what I should do and what is happening. I’m aware, though, that I shouldn’t be getting these, that it’s just coincidence, but I can’t shake the feeling entirely. What do I do about that? Is it normal? I think not as the husband does his worried face when I mention them. He starts his BSc Mental Health Nursing tomorrow, so he’s stressed, so I don’t want to offload.
I’m still a bit sad too. I think that being a bit sad is probably quite normal after all of the slightly unusual things that have happened over the last few months. I’m not actually on any mood stabilising meds at all, so as I said before, I don’t know what I’m being treated for exactly. Except that haloperidol does manic/psychosis and duloxetine does depression/anxiety. Maybe I am being treated for bipolar. Who knows.
There are a few things that have happened today that were Signs. A man told us he was begging, which was code for ‘You are being watched right now’. I went geocaching with a friend; we couldn’t find a geocache and that meant keep on to the next place, then we found the next one and that meant go home. The TV told me it was bugged too. I’m aware that these things aren’t true, it’s my imagination or whatever, but I just can’t shake it.
I am out of hospital now and off olanzapine, but on haloperidol. Haloperidol has been amazing so far, it steamrollered my mood, but the voices are almost gone and I can understand the Signs for what they are – mere coincidence. I still feel like they’re messages for me a bit, but I can shake that off.
I feel a bit depressed. It’s not a massive low, just plodding along a bit. It’s a shame, but at least I’m sort of functioning; back to cooking and washing myself. Husband and I even finally got round to changing our bedding.
The things I’m struggling with the most are based around trying to understand what reality is again, re-grounding myself in this reality. I was so very very high and confused and mad, for lack of a better word. I filled an entire sketchbook with doodles and scraps of text from my brain and from the voices. I’m not ready to read it back through yet, but I will. I still want to hide away from the world, people are still a bit intense and demanding.
I don’t really know what I’m being treated for, well psychosis I suppose, but I don’t know my diagnosis anymore. Bipolar doesn’t entirely fit. I’m supposed to be seeing my care coordinator from way way back, but I don’t think she’s phoned yet. I keep having to go out. I went across to uni today for the first seminar of the academic year; this year looks like it’s going to be so much fun. Fingers crossed I can stay sane.
I wanted to leave yesterday. They said no. I said they had to let me as I’m not under section. They said they’d section me. I tried to leave, they wouldn’t let me, they fed me lorazepam.
In the hospital. Sucks.
My plans to be REBORN. They think would kill me.
The first night I didn’t sleep was mid April.
Now I’m on meds, so I sleep, no stability though.
A duty CPN is coming this morning.
Remember the manifesto.
Everything is tidy. Cleaned a bit too.
73 page goodbye notebook is complete.
I’m ready for when they come now.