Something Kinda

I think I’m still quite low in terms of mood. The main issue is just sheer apathy – I have absolutely no will to do anything. Nothing is fun anymore. My high episode was so high, project ideas came easily even if they didn’t get followed through. Now I have no ideas at all. I’m filling a jar with origami stars just for something to do with my hands. I filled one last year too. It’s just something to do. The stars are so easy, so repetitive, it’s like a lullaby. I can’t focus on anything else; I just feel so stupid, my brain won’t do what I want it to do.

When faced with a page of text it all just blurs together, which is putting a real downer on my MA. How am I meant to study when my brain won’t work? I struggle with Foucault at the best of times. Sit there, pretending I know all about object narratives… We have show and tell this week. We have to bring in an object that has personal or historical significance. I’m torn between taking an African wooden mask ny parents brought back from Nigeria, or my grandmother’s dress she made in Malaysia circa 1940. Both are interesting. I could talk for longer about the dress, but it’d be hard getting it there on the train.

I have an appointment with CPN#3 on Thursday. Not expecting all that much, but I think I’d like my duloxetine increased if she can wangle it with the consultant. I’m also terrified my diagnosis is different post-hospital as the CPA(?) they gave me there only mentioned things like ‘unusual experiences’ and ‘bugging devices’. There is no mention of mood symptoms despite my being high as the moon. No diagnosis is given on the form. Terrified they’ll say BPD. I have no idea what I’m being treated for – duloxetine and haloperidol. I’ll find out soon I suppose.

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