Set Me To Shuffle

My thoughts are stuck on repeat.  Did I say this already?  A repeat of five seconds, five minutes and five weeks ago.  Churning round my mind, without spinning of course – there’s never going to be spinning again, not with these meds; I am a zombie.  So I’m on repeat, I said so, it’s the only thing I really know.  My concentration is worse than ever.  I can’t do anything for more than a few minutes and this time it’s not akathisia.  This time it’s the repetitions.  So this time all I can do is fold puffy origami stars and fill giant kilner jars with the produce.  I’m on to my third jar now.  I’ve spent a small fortune on wrapping paper, which works so perfectly for the stars.  It keeps me occupied anyway, usually with some background music.  TV is an absolute no-go, even if I could concentrate I’m getting too many messages from it.  They’re distracting and alarming.  I’ve had to get off trains a few times lately because of the messages, but that’s about the extent they’ve had on my behaviour.  I can resist this.

So I’m on repeat, the stars help a bit, at least I’m doing something with my hands while my mind churns, but I would quite like:

  • The voices to shut up
  • To actually want to do something constructive
  • To be able to get outside without massive amounts of the Fear
  • To stop feeling quite so horrifically low.

Because I do feel low.  I’ve not felt quite this bad for this long in some years.  I generally don’t do long lows; 2 to 3 weeks tops.  I do long highs, which are just as bad, but the crash is like a dive and I end up back on the surface before too long.  I assume this low is why I’m on repeat.  A lot of the repetition isn’t even mine.  I don’t know where the thoughts come from.  I dare not tell CPN#4 just how low I’ve been exactly.  She’ll want me under the crisis team/admitted and I’m not prepared to go into hospital or have people around over this.  I need to be left alone.  I have made some preparations, I am waiting for the right time.  I cannot have too much attention on this.  It may not happen, the low may finish.  I just want all this, and all this pain to end.  I’ll keep pushing back the date.  No alarm bells for now.  Death is by no means imminent.  It’s just that with those repeating thoughts come Repeating Thoughts.

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