Sleep

Or lack thereof.

At what point does it become insomnia?  I’m wary of using the word; there are so many people that really suffer with it.  And here I am with a few days of nosleep.  I’ve slept approximately 5 hours out of the last 72.  I woke up Sunday morning and that was that.  Now it’s Wednesday.

It’s starting to affect me physically.  I have a mouth ulcer and a sore throat, so clearly my immune system is crying out for a rest.  My joints ache purely through overuse (and my hip joints suck anyway).  I’m clumsy – all my spacial awareness is off.

I think I will take a sleeper tonight.  I’ll deal with the hangover for the sake of not being dead.  It’s a good trade-off!

My impromptu holiday is mostly not going to plan.  I’m enjoying it, but I had intended to have quite a lot more walks and quite a lot less anxiety attacks over the idea of going outside.

Must take steps to not get manic.

When They’re Quiet

The voices are spouting mostly nonsense but some is in reply to messages or things I’ve said and done.  Anything in brackets is what they actually mean when they say something.
How… WAIT! Don’t give the young ones away. Hansel (as well). Ho, that’s a chain (hang on a minute). It’s a pizza chain. I’ve got some nice water lilies. And after. How would you feel, how would you feel, how would you feel if I… That’s bezecker (that’s okay). It’s a traitor (cheese). Oh yes, I can see. It’s finished, it’s only the bank loft. It’s percussion. Rammachip. I think if it’s soggy it’ll be… Shelly. Shelly – the only answer. Who is Shelly? Who’s that? Now. Say what you’re looking for. It’s only the back one (the RED one). How can I… Ping ping ping. It’s 1984. Now. Reverb! Lying on the bed, arm up. Space! It’s excyclement (orangery). Two down. Backwards kind of planet. How would you know? Got to give Jenny some crisps got to give Jenny some crisps got to give Jenny some crisps. It’s a lamb now. And buhshwayne (redcurrant). No more messages, don’t bother.
[quiet for ten minutes]
I’m not a criminal. Not from me neither. It works. Take one of these over. It’s (you’re) terminal. Take one of these over. I’ve coughed it (got it). Grab one. How do you know it’s only peas? It’s also kettle fish. I think I’m… Sit still. Did you manage to get that over? That’s right. Are you potash(drinking)? If the potash hits something (if you’re drinking)… Can I have the light sabre way (cider). Aaaaarrrrggghh coke. Bite sum humrights (have a chocolate flake). Fidget. Hand (cheese). Perhaps. The person, this person rainbow gas on please. Pick up rounds only going into your left eye. Enthusiasm! Don’t take up with them. Arms. You’ve got some good whiskey! Change. Just there sitting and it’s waiting, bland. Dribbling: scored you about fourteen hundred. It puts it in 18 you know. What. I don’t like it, I thought it was just me. A tanner (camera) upstairs. Yes. No, no, no. 1999? I don’t think it’s on there. West Country. Red and glory and all that.  Everything’s shiny. It’s meant to be sweet. Crabbein tiers egan. Finely plugged, the only thing I could do was cost the rust. Over, it’s open. No, no because I haven’t seen the birds today.
And so on and so forth.  They shut up for a bit while I was in the town centre today.  I felt so alone.

Taking a Trip

I need to write something but I’m stuck in my head.  I had an overwhelming day – too many people plus voices apparently…  I keep trying to mute my laptop but apparently the music playing out of it isn’t actually coming out of it.  If that makes sense.  A quick whisk around the room told me it wasn’t coming from anywhere else either.  Checked outside just to be on the safe side, but no.  In go the earphones, block it all out.

My mood has been good, a little too high.  My GP commented that I seemed higher than I was last time he saw me and I was pretty buzzy then (two weeks ago maybe?  I lost track… could be three or even four).  He agreed with me and CPN#4 that my antidepressant (duloxetine) needs to come down from 60mg to 30mg, but I’m getting a prescription of 2x30mg tablets a day so I can fuck around with the dose as necessary (30/45 [30mg one day, 60mg the next, repeat] /60mg).  I like this level of trust!  I think I’ve made it pretty clear I’m never going to overdose.  I did it once and it was a horrific experience, and one I don’t intend to repeat.  If I want to die ever again, it’s not going to be an OD.  I’m now taking ALL the quetiapine at night instead of split over the day which has had an immediate effect on my sleeping pattern – 15 hours the first night!  Although 9 the second and 7 the third, so we’ll see how that holds.  Still, 9 and 7 hours are a good amount of sleep and about normal for me, so I’m hoping it’s just balancing out.  I’ll find out over the next few days anyway.  My astonishingly amazing GP wants to ramp up my quetiapine ‘quite significantly’ if these tweaks don’t work out, but I’m hoping they will so I don’t need to be on huge doses of things.  He was making his concerned face.  I was seeing CPN five hours after him (why do appointments always fall on the same day?  Conspiracy much?), but he would otherwise have wanted to talk to her.  Ah well.  We shall see how this goes.

I’m off to Canterbury tomorrow for a three day sojourn into the past.  I did my undergrad degree at Canterbury, so there are lots of memories there.  Lots of chill time for me – relaxing, baths, walks, restaurants (there’s a WAGAMAMA!), walks, walks, Paperchase, epic craft shop, pick ‘n’ mix shop, walks and walks.  I think I’ll take my magic hat just in case since I’ll be spending a lot of time outside.

I’m planning to revisit a lot of our old haunts, including Bangkok House (our favourite Thai food place ever), Shake Shed (because why would you not want a custom milkshake [hot mint aero or Cadbury’s fudge and caramel sauce…]?) our university of course, and I may spend some time sitting in the park (weather permitting).

As it turns out I have written a post, despite my overclocked brain cogs (see what I did there? Huh huh huh, did you?), so that can go on the list of achievements for today!

Actually that’s not a bad idea… *sets up spreadsheet with points for achieving various tasks…*

A Notebook

I got really ill in April; I got manic. I stayed that for a while, at some point during that, I started this blog. I mentioned in this post that my 73 page (actually 74 page) notebook was complete and I was ready.

I’ve scanned said notebook in and it can be downloaded here: A Study in Extremes

Trigger warnings for:

  • Suicide
  • Paranoia
  • Voices
  • Hallucinations
  • Possibly other things I’ve forgotten

Reading through this has reminded me that I really do need to calm down and stop being hypomanic in case this happens again.  This cannot happen again.  It took a good six month chunk out of my life last time and four or five the time before that.  It’s damaging, it’s not fair on me or anyone else.  It was scary, it was intoxicating, it felt like candy floss.

I was admitted the day after I finished this notebook and treated for mania and psychosis.  I repeat I never want to be in that place again.  I must remember this.

Hobbycraft and GP

Today I took a trip to Hobbycraft – that bane of my bank balance… But it was a reward for going to see Nice GP. I only needed a sick note for my mitigating circumstances claim for university, but still! Always best to avoid the professionals when I’m bouncy.  He commented on the bouncy, I said I’m fine, he was unsure, I said I’m seeing CPN#4 anyway and that was that.

Hobbycraft didn’t have what I wanted for my first choice of project (more polystyrene eggs to make more dragon eggs), nor for my second choice (decal printer paper for… something… I haven’t decided yet), so I made it up as I went along.  It resulted in a starter pack of oil paints, a large canvas, a couple of paint knife things and a restock of paper palettes.  I painted the canvas blue.

Blue

I don’t really know where I’m going with the idea, but as oil paints seem to take a really REALLY long time to dry (a week to three months), I thought I’d better get started somewhere.  I think next time I’ll just buy a can of spray paint.  The background used up about half of my medium supplies, so they’ll need restocking before I can get on to the next bit anyway.  Oh well – I think I’ll sort some stencils for this thing while it’s drying.  It’s not too late for spray paint either; it’d probably be good to use some white around the edges of the clouds I’m planning.  You know, for floatiness.

Husband went back to placement today after three weeks off for Christmas.  It seems like the patients missed him as a couple of them specifically requested him for one to one time.  He also got some really positive feedback from the staff there, so he’s a happy bunny.  And rightly so.

Not much else has happened really.  I keep drawing and painting.  I want to go for a walk, but every time I get the nerve up to leave the house it seems to be raining or 3am.  I’m not really sleeping properly, mostly just a few hours (four or five), but broken up.  On the plus side it means that I’m not dreaming the long, vivid, involved dreams that I can’t make myself wake up from.  I’m happy though!

Oh, my CPN wants me to go to a bipolar group.  Which is interesting.  I’ve never been to a group anything before, except in hospital and they don’t count.  I’m thinking about it, but I’m terrified there will be other people there.  Which there will, because it’s a group.

New Year, New Me?

Unlikely.

Well some things will change over the year I hope.  More stability would be nice!

Also more tea.

I have the shortest concentration span of all the goldfish in the bowl today.  And yesterday.  Probably tomorrow too, so no changes there.  It’s causing a few problems with sticking at projects and such – I want to write a book for a start, but I’m struggling to settle into it.  I’m about 4000 words in, which is a bit pathetic really, although I do have the main plot plotted in.  As it were.  Sort of.

Right, I started this post about 4 hours ago… I definitely intend to finish it today!

I’m seeing the CPN tomorrow – first visit of 2014 on the first day they open at 9:15am, because I’m on an amber alert due to hypomania. Fun!  Well it is at the moment.  So CPN tomorrow…  She said last time if I was still hypomanic they’d put my antidepressant down from 60mg to 40mg (duloxetine) rather than immediately increase the quetiapine.  Sensible, since antidepressants have sent me a bit mental in the past.  I don’t want to go back to the GP again so hopefully I’ll just be able to phone up and ask for the change to my prescription.  They’ll have to be quick about faxing over as I’m running out.  Still I suppose that’s what prescription pre-payment certificates are for!

I need a new project… time for a trip to Hobbycraft again.  The last one was this Game of Thrones style dragon egg.  I’m never making another one as I ended up bruised from cutting all the scales out.  Wire work maybe, or something I don’t know.  An owl.Dragon Egg