My Recovery Goal

Things, at the moment, let’s be honest, are less than ideal.  I am (more than) a touch depressed, but it’s early days yet.  I have increased duloxetine from 30mg to 45mg, so we’ll see how that goes.  My prescription is for 2 x 30mg every morning, so that I can go back up to 60mg if necessary, although it did make me rather hypomanic.  What is more troubling is the volume and constancy of the voices and the noises, things smelling of spilt beer all the time, the Fear, and generally being overwhelmed by everything.  I tried to make pizza last night, frozen pizza, but I couldn’t even work out the first step.  In the end my dad did it for me.  Feel like an utter failure for that.  That and my mum having to take me to Sainsbury’s because I was too scared and muddled to go on my own.  Tonight I’m making green Thai curry.  I’ll be spending some time in advance writing down every single little step so that I know what I’m doing.  It’s even little things I’m not able to work out – putting the shopping away, for example, I’m having to put each thing away one at a time.  I can’t manage the fact that the milk and the cheese and the tomatoes all go in the fridge – each one goes in separately one at a time because I just cannot process the thoughts.  It’s like the voices are making a huge block and using up all my focus.  I’m not driving at the moment for the same reasons.

Earlier in the year I had set myself a mid-year target of getting a job.  It didn’t really matter what, but that’s what recovery (*shudders*) means to me – being able to work.  My CPN and family have basically told me I need to scale that goal waaaaaay back.  So my mid-year recovery target is now ‘being able to go to the cinema’.  That’s it.  This is not where I wanted to be at 27.  I wanted a house, a full-time job and a couple of kids.  Instead I’m living at my parents’ with my husband with no kids and essentially no job.  Although I do have cats. So that’s good.  And Husband of course.  I quite like him.

TL;DR I suck at life, the voices aren’t helping.

7 thoughts on “My Recovery Goal

  1. I have been on duloxetine for 12days now and it is making me so sleepy and yet it keeps me up most nights. I am freezing cold yet pouring with sweat and my boobs are killing me? Do any of these things sound familiar? I am still driving but I find it difficult to focus on what I am doing. My thoughts are with you. I cannot help feel that if it wasn’t for my depression I would be married with children by now (my personal goel too!). I am lucky to have a long-term partner, mortgage and job but I feel my partner slipping away as I slipping inwards into the illness. Does you partner struggle living with the illness? My thoughts are with you. T x

    • Thank you. It’s hard to tell with side effects because everyone has them differently. They should abate within the next few days but if they don’t you should probably see your doctor aboutvit. Side effects suck generally speaking.

      I’m lucky with my husband as he’s been through a few things himself – eating disorder and depression. He’s nowvtraining as a mental health nurse. I’m so lucky with him. There have been timesvthat are tough, but I can see looking back that it was lack if communication on my part about what I was going through. We talk more now and we have a stronger relationship as a result.

      I hope things get better for you, I really do. Twelve days is early though, I think duloxetine can take up to six weeks to work.

      Sorry for any spelling mistakes, etc. My app is abysmal and I can’t actually see what I’m typing. This is largely guesswork.

      • Wow, amazing news about your husband both about how supportive he is and how he is now training to help others. I too aim to be a pyschotherapist in the future.

        Thank you for responding to me and opening up about such personal details. My partner although has issues himself (mainly OCD) he is finding it extremely difficult to accept/live with my depression and gets very angry at the situation and tends to shut down from me. This leads me to put on my ‘happy face’ even more both at work and when I get home which I am sure you can understand is utterly exhausting. Lets hope things pick up after these things have been in my system a while.

        Once again thank you for getting back to me. Good luck. x

      • I think it is difficult for other people – emotions are so individual, and depression is so esoteric. Which is why mental illness is still so stigmatised I suppose. Communication really is key with every relationship, romantic or otherwise. Maybe you could try writing something down for him? You have to do what works for you both though. And equally you have to understand *his* problems – life is complicated!

        Thanks for following and commenting, good luck to you too x

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