Control

I think I might be starting to lose control of my life, again.  I have (had?) a handle on my mood – it’s a bit low, but is it depression?  I’m not sure, but what are my early warning signs… I’ve forgotten.  It always raises a flag when my dad cooks or tries to take over the cooking of dinner.  It’s his way of looking after me.  He doesn’t always realise he’s doing it, but it does make me question what may or may not be going on with my head.  What are my other warning signs… I swear I wrote them down somewhere… Nope, lost them.

I’ll have to think of some.  Apathy (check), sleeping too much (check), oh what else… I don’t know.  I can’t think.  I can’t think at all.  Things are slipping away from me, out of my control.  Standing in the checkout line at asda (terrified, with someone, but terrified, people following, people watching) I saw they had pay as you go sim cards for sale.  So I think if I get one I can put it in my phone and then they won’t be able to track me, but of course the tracker chip is in the phone as much as the number/data/sim is tracked.  And the bugs on the line… I don’t know how to get rid of them, and then there’s the one in my heart still.  I think this is still in my control, I think I can still tell myself that none of this is real, no one is watching me and no one wants to hurt me.  At the same time I’m modifying my behaviours – not going out alone, avoiding crowded places, trying to blow up the chip in my heart through gymming it.  I’m still here, in reality, I’m sane and I intend to stay that way.  The voices are there of course – mostly nonsense phrases or talking about what I’m doing.  Some instructions, but harmless.  I’m mostly okay, but I need to stay that way.

What am I doing about it?  I have Plan A and Plan B.  Plan A is increase my antidepressant to 45mg a day, which I did… erm… two weeks ago? So I wouldn’t be seeing an improvement in mood just yet.  Plan B is phone my CPN.  I really don’t want to invoke Plan B.  I want to do this on my own, I want to cope on my own, I don’t want to need help.

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