I have worked out why I am feeling so overwhelmed and can’t settle to anything. My list of projects is much, much too long.
Husband has suggested, very wisely, that I focus on one thing at a time and don’t start anything new. He is being brilliant and helping me stick to things.
The voices have been helpful lately too – getting me through solo trips to supermarkets (I know!) and gym visits. I’m coping just fine.
THEY have set up scaffolding across the road. The whole house there is covered – too much cover. It makes me anxious and limits the rooms I can be in. THEY, one way and another are beginning to severely restrict my life. Having said that, I did go to the supermarket today with too much anxiety. I had safety sunglasses on the whole time and music blaring while I was in the car. I win this round!
Today I have to be OutSide, with people who can’t know about this. So no sunglasses, no hat. Music I can do… The headphones are very very very firmly lodged in my ears. I may or may not be singing.
Voices of course, patterns in the cloud stacks – I am going to change the world.
Today I am in sniper position.
Well for now I’m carrying on with the meds. Husband has stated that although he won’t force me to take them, he knows I’ll get ill without them. Really, what has settled it for now is that as a mental health nursing student he gives people these exact meds all the time and he knows it doesn’t hurt them. He says he’d never let me get hurt so if the meds were going to hurt me then he wouldn’t want me to take them.
The problem with this is still the same – he doesn’t hear what I hear and he doesn’t believe what the voices say is true. I tried to explain that they’re on my side and just trying to keep me safe. The noise wants me to take the meds.
Every morning and every night is a fight to take the meds. The tap water is still poisoned – so no water, nothing cooked with water, so I drink juice, or I don’t drink. I think I’m drinking enough, no thirst or other problems to speak of other than being a bit tired (but that could be a touch of anaemia judging from the colour of my lips). I’m on a protein shake diet so I’m getting 660ml of liquid a day that way anyway. I won’t die of thirst anyway.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to get hurt. People are trying to hurt me and kill me. I don’t know how to fight them, I don’t know how to go on the offence. Everything I do is reactionary and defensive.
Some people came to my house today. I didn’t know them but the voices reminded me of COURSE I know them. Them, Them, it’s always Them. I didn’t answer the door. I watched them walk down the road. A bald man in a suit, short, using a pair of crutches. A woman, taller than him, in a flowery dress, curly grey hair. A young couple in suits. Today calls for regular window-watching sessions.
Considering a red blood cell is 8μm in diameter, the smallest of highly developed chips at 5μm could definitely sit in the human heart or brain and never show up on the average ECG or CT scan or MRI or anything. It still causes issues in my heart of course, it still causes arrhythmia sometimes, or palpitations, I don’t know what to call them. I’ve had an ECG but they didn’t see anything. It was short, seconds, just a few heart beats and since the chip doesn’t interfere all the time why would it even show.
Research on my part seems to say that using different frequencies They can control the chip – flood me with dopamine for example. The voices agree, my emotions are definitely being controlled. I can only conclude I am not bipolar, and I am not ill. The next question is: does that mean medication is still necessary? On the one hand it might control my re-uptake of whichever chemical, on the other hand it might be completely superfluous.
I’m having some trouble at the moment with the voices and those-who-cannot-be-named-in-the-public-sphere-because-it’s-not-paranoia-if-they’re-really-out-to-get-me. They’re all arguing back and forth about my moods and emotions and how necessary medication is. The problem is that if They are controlling my brain chemicals (and therefore moods) then I am not ill but do I need medication? It’s inorganic in origin. Does medication help?
|Might help with re-uptake of additional chemicals
||Medication could be poisoned
|Keeps family and friends happy
||Medication could be making the additional chemicals worse
|I can’t sleep without it
||Medication could be blunting alertness
|Possible that I do still have bipolar despite additional chemicals
||Taking unnecessary drugs
I think I need to talk to Husband about it all. Which unfortunately means broaching some subjects I struggle to talk about in person.
My best friend said she was always scared she’d go mental and never even realise. I explained a few things that I do – watching other people’s reactions, mood charts, asking myself how I would respond if other people did what I was doing. I thought of another one. I ask myself:
What was I doing when the sun came up?
If I can give myself a reasonable answer then I’m okay. Reasonable answers:
- Getting ready for work
- Getting ready for any other pre-planned event
- Waking up randomly, but going back to sleep
- You get the point
- Chasing seagulls on the beach
- Cleaning all your radiators with a cotton bud
- Buying ALL the things
- You get the point
So yes. A reasonable answer for this morning – I was watching the sun come up.