Well for now I’m carrying on with the meds. Husband has stated that although he won’t force me to take them, he knows I’ll get ill without them. Really, what has settled it for now is that as a mental health nursing student he gives people these exact meds all the time and he knows it doesn’t hurt them. He says he’d never let me get hurt so if the meds were going to hurt me then he wouldn’t want me to take them.
The problem with this is still the same – he doesn’t hear what I hear and he doesn’t believe what the voices say is true. I tried to explain that they’re on my side and just trying to keep me safe. The noise wants me to take the meds.
Every morning and every night is a fight to take the meds. The tap water is still poisoned – so no water, nothing cooked with water, so I drink juice, or I don’t drink. I think I’m drinking enough, no thirst or other problems to speak of other than being a bit tired (but that could be a touch of anaemia judging from the colour of my lips). I’m on a protein shake diet so I’m getting 660ml of liquid a day that way anyway. I won’t die of thirst anyway.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to get hurt. People are trying to hurt me and kill me. I don’t know how to fight them, I don’t know how to go on the offence. Everything I do is reactionary and defensive.