I think I’m okay. I thought I was okay, only other people say I’m not.

Do you think you might be manic?

– NiceGP

What he means is ‘You Are Manic’. I don’t agree – I am bouncy and happy and a touch irritable but no more than that, more importantly it is not an illness and in no way part of an illness, it’s just me, I am always happy, my default emotion is happy I AM NEVER BORED. I can’t let myself get bored, there is no excuse when I have a list of Things To Do as long as I have, and a project list 19 items long plus a few I haven’t actually added yet – some large things some small things, and there are the eternal things like washing.  No Excuse List

Do you think you might be manic?

– Husband

No! Really I’m not, I’m fine! I am functioning most of the time – I’m vaguely clean, I’m pretty sure I ate yesterday, I definitely had breakfast this morning.  I can go outside in the garden as much as I like, even if I do sometimes get too caught up in counting the wind and analysing cherry formations.  I can go out to Sainsbury’s or wherever but it can be a little bit triggering in terms of voices, but they’re okay, they’re trying to help, trying to keep me safe and help me save the world:



Just wait and see.

My notebooks are getting full again, just like this one from last year when I was actually manic, except that I’m okay this time and I know I’m okay because I’m not smelling weird things (cleaning products into beer) anymore and I am coping and functioning and whatnot.

I’ve gone off topic a bit here.

I was trying to write about my GP appointment.

I got discharged (again) from the CMHT back to my GP.  I hadn’t realised, but it didn’t really matter since I haven’t contacted them since February anyway.  Because I’ve been fine most of the time and actually coped well when I had a little blip back in March – ish.  I have (had?) a prescription for 30mg of duloxetine twice a day so I could mess around with my dose until something worked in a notdepressed/notmanic sort of a way.  My CPN was brilliant – let me get really involved in decisions like that.

She wasn’t so great with the voices, quote: “can you not listen to them while I’m talking please”.  I expected better, but oh well.  She is nice really.  She’s got brilliant taste in shoes as well.  I find I often recognise mental health professionals by their shoes rather than anything else – like faces.  Remind me: I have some old fashioned clothes pegs that need painting in some form or other.

I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy – same every month, only this time there’s no duloxetine – oh.  Prescription has somehow changed itself(?) to 30mg duloxetine once a day, but a two month supply so it looked to me like I had enough – only, when did this change? I don’t know, I don’t think I ever looked that close and the pharmacy has the green and white bits of paper anyway because they sort my repeats of course.  I booked an appointment with NiceGP, only he refused point blank to give me more antidepressants and now I’m on 15mg duloxetine instead of 60mg.  Oh.  But actually – no difference to be seen yet (seven days now, I don’t know how long it would take), so if it turns out I never needed 60 or 45 or even 30 then I don’t know what to think, maybe it never did anything and I was running on my own steam, which leads me back to the inevitable ‘do I even need these?’ question that I go through Every Single Day, especially with the quetiapine – which NiceGP has increased, incidentally.  He’s also referred me back to the CMHT (again) to get my meds sorted.  They’re going to love me…  Oh well!

Good, so I think that’s everything for now.  I have another GP appointment Friday for reasons that I can’t quite remember – possibly he wants to check I’ve not gone batshit insane with the meds changes.

I need to get him to check my heart rate – the GPS chip in it is dicking around again.

3 thoughts on “The Adventures of NiceGP and NO HIGH DOSE ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR YOU

  1. This was too long to reply to you on Twitter.

    Do you think you may be manic, K? 😛
    Just thought I’d sneak that in there.

    Recently, I had concerns about microchips embedded in my brain and under my skin after some strange experiences with seeing transparent spiders. Since the increase in Quetiapine (500mg now), those thoughts are less.. uh.. occupying my mind. But I still worry about it a little. And the fact the worries are still there and the *gut instincts* makes me feel the meds can’t cover the TRUTH up. Do you get that? That this is the *real* reality and meds just hide it? That the things we think and feel we know have something in them?

    Do you have any theories as to how to ‘chip might’ve gotten into your heart? I apologise if you have already explained this in a blog post.

    D x

    • I was confused about what the TRUTH was, but it’s getting clearer and things slot in to place – I wasn’t sure how to put the equations together but then I saw it like sun through clouds, and it started to make more sense. Then I wasn’t sure which numbers to plug in but I think I know where to get them now, which is a start. So yes, I know what you mean – the real reality vs. the one that one ‘sees’ in the obvious sort of way.

      The chip… I don’t know. It’s so small – 5μm in diameter – so easily controlled remotely, so who knows. I could have swallowed it, breathed it in even. There was a time when I had a big cut down my chest – like open heart surgery – but it faded so fast, I don’t know. Too many possibilities!

      Is it okay for meds to make you be less… occupied?

  2. That’s something I’m still trying to figure out; how do meds cover up the truth? Supposedly, anti-psychotics affect the dopamine in our brains, which we’re told that if we have too much, it makes us psychotic and lose touch with Reality. I believe these are just theories. I don’t think there is actually any firm scientific proof that these experiences are caused by a chemical imbalance.
    Then they say these ideas we have are ‘psychotic thoughts’ and ‘delusional’. I just think they can’t see the real Reality.

    Is that 5 micrometres? I’m not completely sure (and no idea how to type it).

    I’ve done a little research on microchips too, the smallest possible size of one is simply a dot on a piece of paper (maybe that is what you meant by the size?). So I can understand if you think you’ve eaten or inhaled it.

    D x

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