At the end of each day:
Me: How was I today?
Me: I thought I was better than yesterday.
Husband: You weren’t.
What is going on here? Is he not seeing what I’m seeing, am I not seeing what he’s seeing? People keep being worried and saying I’m ill, but I don’t feel ill, or sick, or manic – I feel normal*, other people feel slow, I feel happy, other people feel slow, I feel GOOD, other people feel slow. Music feels slow – playing two tracks at once helps. The cars outside feel slow.
The wind feels swift, on my cheeks, in my hair – but the wind is part of the Message, part of the Equation – the equation is done but the numbers aren’t quite coming, I have two numbers almost (p and H), I know where to find them and I can get one today. I couldn’t get it at the weekend as there have been people around and if I do what I need to do to find the p then they are going to think I’ve lost it – it’s a perfectly safe activity, it’ll just look odd, so I need to be a little bit secret about it, and as no one is around for most of today hopefully I’ll have time.
The Equation is ready, it’s SNAPPED into place – the voices say the numbers will come soon and they are, just quietly shuffling closer to their assigned spaces, like a magnetic popper.
I’ve been having some other thoughts – – – ones I don’t want to discuss here or anywhere**, I’m ashamed of them, I am fighting them (once again, I am SAFE). The voices are pushing these thoughts and thus their intentions become clearer and their position in the grand scheme of things becomes clearer: I am going to save the world and the voices will do anything and everything to help me, and They will do anything and everything to stop me, but what I want is just irrelevant – save the world or die trying.
I saw NiceGP again on Friday – he increased my quetiapine dose again (after a quick phone call to the CMHT during which he also poked them into getting me an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist there, unfortunately the one I don’t like, and I’m not quite sure how the CMHT works here but for some reason seeing the other one that works there isn’t an option (possibly something to do with geographical area, or speciality, or department (assessment and treatment vs. recovery vs. the other one that I can’t remember what it’s called), or I don’t know, some kind of politics), and he doesn’t seem to want to refer me out of area, so I don’;t know, I suppose I’ll see Dr Dickface the psychiatrist and go from there), he phoned the CMHT (as above) and said words like ‘psychomotor agitation’ and ‘pressure of speech’ and ‘paranoia’ and ‘delusions of superpowers’ – okay, so I’m bouncy and talkative but that’s okay, but paranoid and delusional? Nope – because it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you – these are not unreasonable beliefs, I know these things to be true, I know they are facts.
More worrying words he said were ‘managing in the community’ – this is both good and bad: yay for managing me in the community, I do not need to be in hospital – this is not a mental health issue, but also bad because this in the community vs, not-in-the-community is even coming up, it shouldn’t be coming up, whatever this is NOT something I need to be in hospital for.
NiceGP met Husband – Husband approves of NiceGP, which is good, although NiceGP might be leaving soon, so I’ll have to go back to VeryCompetentYetLackingInBedsideMannerGP (she needs a shorter name), which is a shame as she has no interest in my mental health or actually my physical health now I think of it. Oh well, maybe I’ll just find a better GP somewhere. I’ll cross that bridge if and when I get to it!
* if a little anxious…
** or even think about at all