Er… Meds and Stuff I Suppose

Oh I am so happy, oh I am so happy *sings*

Possibly too happy… BUT I trusted other people’s judgement and they said phone your CPN, so I did.

She wasn’t there.

(Because she works between HomeTown and two other nearby towns).

But the duty person has emailed her.

I (and husband has agreed) want to drop my duloxetine back down to 15mg (that is 30mg one day, nothing the next, rinse and repeat).  I may have to change antidepressant – this one seems to make me loopy, although only recently! I’m only on 30mg now and have been for two weeks (up from 15mg, and I was kind of low, but I was also on more quetiapine then and I’m now down to 200mg, so that may also be partially to blame, I don’t even know anymore).

So I expect she’ll phone on Thursday, when I can’t talk properly because I’m O-U-T-side. I don’t know what else to do, I’m avoiding everything on my trigger list and aggravation list (coffee, certain types of music, some other things I’ve forgotten already).

Oh I don’t want the quetiapine put up again. Too much makes me lethargic and hungry. It’s not like the voices went – they were quieter yes, that’s true, and much easier to deal with, but they were coming back and those saving-the-world thoughts were coming back (although they are back now – but can I do it? I think I can and I think I have to). I don’t know what I want even. I don’t want to be drugged into zombie-uncaring-state-of-gradual-depression. I don’t want to be damagingly manic, but although I was that before, I don’t think I am that now, and I don’t think I will be as I am on more meds than before.

I can’t think now, I’m having a hard time controlling my thoughts. And my sleep is dropping off again. And my moodscope score is increasing again.

I alarmed people on the train I think – no one sat near me and people kept glancing at me nervously. I assume these specific people were in.on.it. Police everywhere. It’s all part of it. The notebooks are filling up again.

Urgh, I can’t even remember the point of this post. Like the last one. I think I just wanted to try and get some thoughts in order. Hmm. Bullet points:

• I want duloxetine down to 15mg.
• I want quetiapine the same or less.
• I want the voices to go away (I don’t like that word, you know the one).
• I want the meanings to come clearer so I can get my saving-the-world done.

Right – so if I write that down somewhere accessible I can repeat it back to my CPN!

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Bees, Flies and a Head Full of Insects

Oh I feel good. I feel like a bee. I feel so on edge though and oh so anxious. My heart rate is normal but it feels fast – adrenalin pumping through me. My thoughts are running free, oh yes they are running free and getting harder to keep in control and my concentration span is as short as… a very short thing.

There are more and more meanings, the meanings that will help me achieve my destiny. You know the one. Saving the world. I think I wanted to say something about clouds and their meanings but I’ve forgotten how I was going to word it it. So for know you’ll just have to settle with… something that I’ve also forgotten because I went to cook pizza.

This is not going well.

Maybe I should start again…

I feel good – very good – not too good – just good enough. A little anxious, but nothing that being three floors up and behind two locked doors isn’t helping. I’m sort of on holiday, an impromptu holiday, a spontaneous holiday, in my mum’s flat that she lives in during the week because she works far away from my dad. So I’m borrowing it for a few days and my best friend is coming soon, tomorrow I think, I’ve lost track of what day it is! I think I don’t really need to know when there’s no one around to care.

It’s Saturday.

I would not do well living alone. The place is a mess, again, I cleaned up this morning. I need to sweep really. I’ve had a ton of voices and I don’t know which side they’re from or on. It’s all okay! I have some thoughts, some ideas, I’m getting from meanings that lots of things are giving me – like clouds.

I’m going in circles here.

So distracted.