I have achieved basically nothing for days. I have:
- Tidied half a room
- Kept myself vaguely clean (although I am somewhat covered in paint and my hair needs a wash)
- Went to Chichester; acquired shorts
- Planned some gardening, if not actually done any yet
- Tried to draw. In progress.
- Tried drypoint etching; failed miserably
Actually that’s not that bad. Reflection helps! Now for more drawing.
I’ve been thinking about what I want and need, now and for the future. Really all I want is a job, a house, and a couple of kids. I don’t want to be rich and famous. Just a normal life.
In order to get these things there are other things that need to happen first – namely sorting out my mood (etc…). I’ve been applying for lots of jobs, although no luck so far and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m completely unemployable. I would absolutely love to be self-employed (and god knows I have enough ideas for it), but I need to be healthy first, and Husband and I need to be geographically settled.
- a job
- keep control of my mood
- get my mood level so I don’t have to control it
- voices/noises to go away
- keep Husband as uninvolved as possible
- avoid needing to see GP
- avoid needing a referral to CMHT
Basically I want to be vaguely functional and in a position to move to the medium term plan roughly around the time Husband finishes his degree.
- keep the above mentioned (currently non-existent) job
- a house
- continuing level mood
- no “unusual experiences” (their words)
- keep Husband appraised of my MH, but not involve him
(nursing all day, carer by night – must be horrid)
- maybe some kind long term support from CMHT
or at least a useful care plan
By this point, I want to be a relatively normal, functioning human being. I’m not giving myself a deadline because I’m fairly certain that will make it harder. I think it’ll take a few years – got to be realistic.
- to still be working and able to work
- to be self-employed
- still living and managing to pay for the aforementioned house
- stable mood over long term, though there are likely to
be blips – hopefully care plan will have plans for this
- Husband not to freak out every time I get early warning
signs as I can often head off an episode at this point
- to not need support from CMHT but confident I will be able
to access it if necessary
This is the plan, now to stick to the plan! Even if it is somewhat contradictory in places.