This Is What I’m Calling Productive

I have achieved basically nothing for days. I have:

  • Tidied half a room
  • Kept myself vaguely clean (although I am somewhat covered in paint and my hair needs a wash)
  • Went to Chichester; acquired shorts
  • Planned some gardening, if not actually done any yet
  • Tried to draw. In progress.
  • Tried drypoint etching; failed miserably

Actually that’s not that bad. Reflection helps! Now for more drawing.

What I Want

I’ve been thinking about what I want and need, now and for the future. Really all I want is a job, a house, and a couple of kids. I don’t want to be rich and famous. Just a normal life.

In order to get these things there are other things that need to happen first – namely sorting out my mood (etc…). I’ve been applying for lots of jobs, although no luck so far and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m completely unemployable. I would absolutely love to be self-employed (and god knows I have enough ideas for it), but I need to be healthy first, and Husband and I need to be geographically settled.

Short Term

  • a job
  • keep control of my mood
  • get my mood level so I don’t have to control it
  • voices/noises to go away
  • keep Husband as uninvolved as possible
  • avoid needing to see GP
  • avoid needing a referral to CMHT

Basically I want to be vaguely functional and in a position to move to the medium term plan roughly around the time Husband finishes his degree.

Medium Term

  • keep the above mentioned (currently non-existent) job
  • a house
  • continuing level mood
  • no “unusual experiences” (their words)
  • keep Husband appraised of my MH, but not involve him
    (nursing all day, carer by night – must be horrid)
  • maybe some kind long term support from CMHT
    or at least a useful care plan

By this point, I want to be a relatively normal, functioning human being. I’m not giving myself a deadline because I’m fairly certain that will make it harder. I think it’ll take a few years – got to be realistic.

Long Term

  • to still be working and able to work
  • to be self-employed
  • still living and managing to pay for the aforementioned house
  • kids
  • stable mood over long term, though there are likely to
    be blips – hopefully care plan will have plans for this
  • Husband not to freak out every time I get early warning
    signs as I can often head off an episode at this point
  • to not need support from CMHT but confident I will be able
    to access it if necessary

This is the plan, now to stick to the plan! Even if it is somewhat contradictory in places.