I think I am having a mixed episode, my mood graph seems to be mapping a steady high-low-combo,, and I’m all messed up, full of energy, no energy at the same time. The worst thing is this need to do something but an inability to focus, or even decide what I want to do, I’m just wasting time and unable to distract myself from all the THOUGHTS whirling round, good and bad. It’s slightly easier to deal with when I’m on my own – I can pace up and down, dance, fidget, these things I am able to do – but when Husband is home he expects me to focus my attention and achieve things, which sometimes is just not always possible.
I’m on my third notebook now, I’m slowly saving the world but I need to build things now, which is also something I can’t do when Husband is here because he doesn’t believe I’m saving the world. Messages are coming clearer through through the TV.
The Voices are saying to hurry up, “you’re running out of time”, save the world or reset – be reborn. Reset back to when it was safe, when I was safe, before They knew about me and knew I was chosen. How far back is that? I can’t say for sure, could it be before the Voices came, it could be, but there is no evidence to say when it will be, I don’t know when I was chosen, but I think, I feel, it might be early 2012.
I can’t go on like this.
Husband wants me to go and see the GP but I’m not sure what the point is – Husband wants my olanzapine increased, but I don’t see the point in that either. I’m sure the GP will be happy to increase the medication, maybe he’ll let me go back on antidepressants too, because then I won’t sleep even my current couple of hours, so I would get even more done (although given my concentration).