I was wrong

I was wrong in my last post.

I knew about the triggers but I’d missed the early warning symptoms. Why am I still so bad at this? Sleeping too much, things smelling weird, low mood.

And now I’m struggling. I badly need a wash but actually getting off my arse and getting in the shower seems so hard. Why can’t I do basic things? I can’t even concentrate on this post, let alone things I actually need to do. How am I supposed to hold down a job, even if anyone would actually employ me.

I’m struggling a bit with ‘thoughts’ and external headnoise around drinking tap water (is it poisoned?) and taking meds (do I really need them, are they also poison?). It’s making life tough.

I’m trying to keep up that happy mask, but Husband has realised I’m down, although my parents haven’t – so that’s half a win. I think. I just want to sleep.

What do I do? I can’t see my GP again, I’m there too often, I went less than two months ago. There’s no one else to help, even if there was anything anyone can do. My GP wouldn’t be able to do anything other than re-prescribe duloxetine, which makes me manic, and brings the cycle back around.

I’m just sick of this and I can’t see a way out (no active plans to kill myself, although the thoughts and external headnoise are making it hard).

I can’t win.

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