A Quick Moan

I wish I could say things have changed for the better but I seem to be stuck in this episode. I saw my GP two weeks ago, and he basically said there are no med changes he can make that won’t make me manic. He’s right of course – any less olanzapine, or the introduction of an antidepressant is only going to make me loopy. But this depression won’t shift.

I’m doing everything I should – getting out of the house daily and exercising twice a week. This is so hard, I just want it over, nothing is helping me. Distraction doesn’t always work because my concentration span is so short. I really want to read a nice comforting book, but the words on the pages keep fading out or swirling away, like they don’t want to be read.

Sorry about all the complaining. I just want out of this. I woke up at 5am this morning with intense suicidal urges but fortunately I was able to go back to sleep. I’m having waves of suicidal urges, and near constant thoughts now. I don’t know what there is that anyone or I can do. I’m trying to wait out the storm.

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