Frustrated

Apparently I’m manic, even though I feel so perfectly fine. I’ve seen LovelyGP and he also says I’m manic, and has prescribed me promethazine and propranolol to try to calm things down. Husband says these things are not working (although I am getting between 4 and 6 hours sleep, so it’s not all bad!), and I need to go back to the doctor. I have an annual review booked for the 18th, so it can wait till then.

Today has been an odd day. I’ve managed to do some drawing, even if I didn’t get as far as colouring it. I have been fidgety, restless, and pacing around a bit. It’s cold. I’ve been a bit confused, I can’t seem to quite make the connections I want to make, I couldn’t work out how to have lunch. I played badminton yesterday and I’m quite sore today! The voices have been a bit difficult over the last few days, it’s been hard to hear other people talking, or to work out what they’ve said, I’m constantly asking people to repeat themselves, which is frustrating for everyone.

I feel stupid. With the confusion and not being able to hear anyone. But mostly because people are saying I’m unwell when I don’t feel it. It’s so hard to trust other people’s judgements and ignore my own feelings. It’s also hard to take meds when I clearly don’t need them. I am taking them, to placate others.

This just all so frustrating and I feel so stuck. On the flip side, I’m really happy generally speaking. I keep being filled with adrenaline thrills, laughing to the air, or whoever’s there. Frustrating with the pacing, but I have to move, forced, with this need to move. And I don’t know what to do.