We Three Kings of Orient Are: A Parody

It’s time once again to post my bipolar rewrite of We Three Kings of Orient Are. Get ready to sing along – 3 – 2 – 1…

We three voices here in your car
One plus two, too many by far
But who’s counting? Screaming, shouting
“You’re crazy, oh yes you are.”

O meds not working, eyes shine bright,
Mood: psychotic, pure delight
All these feelings leave me reeling
Through the roof and into the night

Doctor says you’re not looking sane
Normality – you really can’t feign
Take meds forever, relapse never
Let’s fix your crazy brain

O meds not working, eyes shine bright,
Mood: psychotic, pure delight
All these feelings leave me reeling
Through the roof and into the night

Lithium to offer have I
Depakote and abilify
Lamotrigine, and haloperidol
I am so very high

O meds not working, eyes shine bright,
Mood: psychotic, pure delight
All these feelings leave me reeling
Through the roof and into the night

Death is mine in gathering gloom
Feel that sense of impending doom
Feel like dying, eternally crying
Needles above you loom

O meds not working, eyes shine bright,
Mood: psychotic, pure delight
All these feelings leave me reeling
Through the roof and into the night

I’m glorious now behold mood arise
I’m King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Bow to me, hear your cries

O meds not working, eyes shine bright,
Mood: psychotic, pure delight
All these feelings leave me reeling
Through the roof and into the night

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A Dream

We were all going to die.
We were all there, all the people in the world, strapped in,
waiting, in a quiet, brave panic, for the End.

We were all of us together.
All of us scared and alone, all fearing the known unknown,
waiting, but it didn’t come.

We all tried so hard to die.
We tried so hard to be dignified, to set an example,
we closed our eyes, we each of us held our breath.

And I woke up.

Warning Signs

Oh okay, did I maybe speak too soon with regards to my mood? It’s been escalating over the last few days. I am annoying, bouncy, unfettered but still in control. I can sit still and settle to tasks. But does it really matter if my mood skips up a bit? As long as it doesn’t skip out of control and stop me functioning, surely it’s okay, normal even? It’s not a ‘normal’ mood, as much as I want to normalise it, I don’t see other people doing the things I do and thinking like I think (unless they’re hypomanic/manic of course), but it is not hypomania. Let’s call it sub-clinical, if we have to call it anything.

The crucial point here is that I, with my ‘support network’, can deal with this without having to call in the cavalry (which is a word apparently from the Italian for ‘horse’ – cavallo), I just need to stick to the lists and keep taking the meds. I hate having to take them, because of course I don’t need them do I? But I do, I know I do, I need to learn from history. I need to think about that diagram from the last post. Break the cycle and avoid the triggers. The problem being that cold I had of course, but if I keep avoiding triggers but also avoid aggravating factors like physics, poor sleep hygiene (bleurgh), and oh wait I think I have four or five large projects on the go right now, so let’s shelve some of those for now. I am sleeping still, around six hours a night which isn’t too bad, but still less than I would consider normal for me.

I have alerted Husband to the fact that convincing myself to take meds is getting more and more difficult, so he is helping (mostly by nagging until I take them, but that is what is needed right now). I haven’t told him about the headnoise, mostly because I’m not sure it’s anything to worry about, and if I tell him he will worry. It’s not all real words, and the rest is nonsense. I’m not even properly ‘hearing’ most of it, more feeling it. I think I have heard the term pseudo-hallucinations in relation to this state of non-hearing. The problem is that this is what has preceded every single manic episode I can remember, which have all resulted in full on voice-hearing, messages from the TV and so on. Phase one doesn’t always result phase two, but phase two is always preceded by phase one. For now, being aware of it is sufficient.

The Wrong Film

Today I watched a film. Sort of.

It was meant to be Titanic but after a good hour I realised that it was Lord of the Rings. And it was on silent.

So what had I been listening to, even – wrong film aside, easy mistake to make probably. Different colour, greenish browns instead of blueish greys but never mind. I’d thought the words were a bit off but apparently not quiiite managed to put two and two together. Or rather I did, but in this case 2+2 equalled banana.

Rose was telling me MI5 was watching. Probably that should have been a clue. That and all the other people chanting ‘reborn’ constantly.

I have given up watching TV for today.

If You

If you shut your eyes, you won’t see the walls bend. If you put headphones in, you won’t hear the voices. If you paint over the cracks, you won’t see your house falling down.

If you shut your eyes, you won’t see the stars. If you put headphones in, you won’t hear the raindrops fall. If you never look closer, you’ll never understand the whole thing.

Snipers

THEY have set up scaffolding across the road.  The whole house there is covered – too much cover.  It makes me anxious and limits the rooms I can be in.  THEY, one way and another are beginning to severely restrict my life.  Having said that, I did go to the supermarket today with too much anxiety.  I had safety sunglasses on the whole time and music blaring while I was in the car.  I win this round!

Today I have to be OutSide, with people who can’t know about this.  So no sunglasses, no hat.  Music I can do…  The headphones are very very very firmly lodged in my ears.  I may or may not be singing.

Voices of course, patterns in the cloud stacks – I am going to change the world.

Today I am in sniper position.