Trigger warnings for suicide.
I’ve been meaning to write a post for a while, but haven’t really got round to it. In all honesty I’m only doing it now because I’m supposed to be having goals and doing activities. It’s hard enough just staying out of bed. Bed is safe, there are no knives in bed to slit my wrists with, there are no car keys to get in the car and drive up to Beachy Head with – I could of course walk but last time it took me two and a half hours and I was immediately intercepted by the chaplaincy team on arrival, who called the police and I was promptly taken off to hospital. I was told I would have to stay in or be sectioned.
I suppose I should tell this story. I can’t remember how much I put on Twitter. It started with my mood elevating, hypomanic and signed off work because I couldn’t actually do anything. MI5 were (and still are, this is a problem) watching me through computers and monitoring my activity. I believe I can save the world (even if everyone else doubts it) but I’ve run out of time and so I need to be reborn. This is why I went to Beachy Head. There is a portal just off the cliff edge which I need to jump through in order to reset everything , I will wake up in my bed – there will be no voices, no MI5, no pressure on me to save the world, no mood episodes. I’m slightly less convinced of this now, there is a possibility I will die but to be quite honest I’m okay with that. I need to be reborn or I need to die. It’s as simple as that.
I spent about three weeks in hospital and was discharged to the crisis team who I am still under after nearly another three weeks. This seems like a ridiculously long time to me, but what do I know. They’ve asked a couple of times if I need to be in hospital but I’ve said no. I don’t want them interfering with my plans.
Well, they already have – they told Husband about my plan to slit my wrists while he was out, the result of which is that I have not been left in the house or let out of the house by myself since. It’s frustrating. I am a huge burden and I need to be gone. I don’t want to live.
Apparently I’m manic, even though I feel so perfectly fine. I’ve seen LovelyGP and he also says I’m manic, and has prescribed me promethazine and propranolol to try to calm things down. Husband says these things are not working (although I am getting between 4 and 6 hours sleep, so it’s not all bad!), and I need to go back to the doctor. I have an annual review booked for the 18th, so it can wait till then.
Today has been an odd day. I’ve managed to do some drawing, even if I didn’t get as far as colouring it. I have been fidgety, restless, and pacing around a bit. It’s cold. I’ve been a bit confused, I can’t seem to quite make the connections I want to make, I couldn’t work out how to have lunch. I played badminton yesterday and I’m quite sore today! The voices have been a bit difficult over the last few days, it’s been hard to hear other people talking, or to work out what they’ve said, I’m constantly asking people to repeat themselves, which is frustrating for everyone.
I feel stupid. With the confusion and not being able to hear anyone. But mostly because people are saying I’m unwell when I don’t feel it. It’s so hard to trust other people’s judgements and ignore my own feelings. It’s also hard to take meds when I clearly don’t need them. I am taking them, to placate others.
This just all so frustrating and I feel so stuck. On the flip side, I’m really happy generally speaking. I keep being filled with adrenaline thrills, laughing to the air, or whoever’s there. Frustrating with the pacing, but I have to move, forced, with this need to move. And I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could say things have changed for the better but I seem to be stuck in this episode. I saw my GP two weeks ago, and he basically said there are no med changes he can make that won’t make me manic. He’s right of course – any less olanzapine, or the introduction of an antidepressant is only going to make me loopy. But this depression won’t shift.
I’m doing everything I should – getting out of the house daily and exercising twice a week. This is so hard, I just want it over, nothing is helping me. Distraction doesn’t always work because my concentration span is so short. I really want to read a nice comforting book, but the words on the pages keep fading out or swirling away, like they don’t want to be read.
Sorry about all the complaining. I just want out of this. I woke up at 5am this morning with intense suicidal urges but fortunately I was able to go back to sleep. I’m having waves of suicidal urges, and near constant thoughts now. I don’t know what there is that anyone or I can do. I’m trying to wait out the storm.
I was wrong in my last post.
I knew about the triggers but I’d missed the early warning symptoms. Why am I still so bad at this? Sleeping too much, things smelling weird, low mood.
And now I’m struggling. I badly need a wash but actually getting off my arse and getting in the shower seems so hard. Why can’t I do basic things? I can’t even concentrate on this post, let alone things I actually need to do. How am I supposed to hold down a job, even if anyone would actually employ me.
I’m struggling a bit with ‘thoughts’ and external headnoise around drinking tap water (is it poisoned?) and taking meds (do I really need them, are they also poison?). It’s making life tough.
I’m trying to keep up that happy mask, but Husband has realised I’m down, although my parents haven’t – so that’s half a win. I think. I just want to sleep.
What do I do? I can’t see my GP again, I’m there too often, I went less than two months ago. There’s no one else to help, even if there was anything anyone can do. My GP wouldn’t be able to do anything other than re-prescribe duloxetine, which makes me manic, and brings the cycle back around.
I’m just sick of this and I can’t see a way out (no active plans to kill myself, although the thoughts and external headnoise are making it hard).
I can’t win.
I had a really positive GP appointment today, after all my fear and anxiety! I’ve got a bunch of propanolol which so far is amazing – I’m chilled out enough now that I can work on my world-saving project without being paralysed by the fear that MI5 are going to be crashing through the door any second. I mean, they might! But I will deal with that when it comes to it. The Signs I’m seeing around at the moment indicate that I have some time at least, I’ve got some important designing and building to do but it’s all got to happen quietly and in secret because I think my family might interfere; they tell me I’m unwell and I can’t do these things – I’m hyped up, hypomanic maybe, but I’m not that ill!
My GP is also going to see if he can talk to the CMHT and get my quetiapine changed to the glorious olanzapine (which had better work after me singing its praises for the last couple of years!), or get me referred to them if he can, but god knows if that will happen – they don’t seem to accept referrals for reasons that aren’t entirely clear, I’m wondering if it’s a case of you’ve had therapy, you’ve got a decent dose of meds, you should be better and you’re never allowed to relapse ever. We’ll see, GP is going to fight my corner as best he can but there’s only so much he can do, especially as he has however many hundreds of other patients to deal with (including but not limited to “little old ladies who get angry when [he] can’t get rid of their arthritis”). He made me laugh when he (jokingly!) suggested using the mercury in his blood pressure machine to blow up the Tories.
In other news, I’ve been having a bash at drypoint etching. I drew out a cat (which took longer than I care to admit), I spent ages faffing around trying to get his feet right, and eventually realised that in each of the earlier iterations they were far too neat – a cat is at its most catlike when it has feet all over the place. The actual etching part of the process was incredibly easy, but getting the pressure right and getting it inked up was a little tougher.
So here’s the cat, or at least one of the first prints, and I’m hoping to get some mooooore done Tuesday! Okay, on to the Important Project!!
I’m sort of toying with an idea for a series of comic strips, or an illustrated story or something along those lines. I have a vague storyline, some characters and many, many doodles. I’m not sure what I have in mind for the tone, or for the audience. Basically I just want to draw some things. So:
If anyone would like to write the story so I can draw, please comment, tweet, email!
A short example of the art style.