Rapid Cycling

When I was at university, yeaaaars ago now, I would cycling up and down pretty much daily, which was horrible and I hated it, but as I got older my mood episodes swung towards longer and more pronounced… things, which whilst also horrible, at least I could plan around them, and it also meant that I got long periods of stability in between. So now I’ve just switched from quitealotofquetiapine to alittleolanzapine and it’s not doing its job – I’m up to my ears in voices (pun intended, or whatever it is), my mood has switched three times in the last three weeks and a do.not.like it. I saw my GP today as an aside since my blood test results came back and I’m anaemic (10, but the worst it’s ever been is 8 – I work on “can I get up the stairs without getting out of breath?” if yes, I’m not that anaemic, and as I can I thought I was probably okay, but apparently this is an ineffective scoring method probably because I’ve got so used to it. Maybe running will be easier now, I always struggled with my respiratory system giving out before my muscles) and whilst he was concerned about mood (and some other things I may have talked about but I don’t want to if I haven’t already, here anyway – just don’t want it where They (you know who I mean) can get hold of it) he just didn’t have the time to go into it properly. He’s an amazing GP, but I can see the NHS stifling him.

The olanzapine isn’t doing its job, and there’s no one to call to help – I think I’ve talked before about the lack of accessible services in my area, I’m on meds, I should be well, so I don’t get any help. I do wonder if they’d change their minds if they actually talked to me though. I’m appalled by the lack of care I’ve received – some stats: I haven’t seen a psychiatrist (outside of the hospital admission in November 2013) since February 2013; I haven’t seen a mental health professional at all since August 2014 (ish, I can’t be arsed with looking things up), and god knows I’ve NEEDED to! I’ve seriously considered making a complaint, perhaps via PALS, but to be perfectly honest I’m not sure it would achieve anything other than get me blacklisted by the CMHT, and they’re really nice people besides, they just have limited resources.

I’m looking at other options for getting help – private is too expensive, although my parents have said they could pay for 3 or so sessions to get my medication sorted, but that won’t help with things like applying for benefits/jobs and other services the CMHT have (or at least used to have). The wonderful Sean has pointed me in the direction of Together UK, which looks like it could be useful. It’s hard though, I really don’t have the brain functionality to sort this out right now and Husband and my family all have too much on their plates, I can’t ask more of them and Husband (although he feels like a dick doing it) really doesn’t like me when I’m manic (and of course I don’t blame him, I’m horrendous) I don’t want this! The Voices aren’t helping with the whole thing, I’m trying to pretend I don’t hear them but I don’t know how well it’s working. Maybe people have noticed.

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Oh.

Almost two months ago NiceGP poked the CMHT to get me an urgent appointment with Dr ArseFace the psychiatrist, which has yet to materialise and I am beginning to suspect that it will not. In the meantime I have seen my CPN … er… once I think, and spoken to her on the phone once, and although she said she would phone again the following week (to follow up my reduction in duloxetine down to the teeny tiny dose of 15mg (that is one 30mg pill every other day as they don’t make them smaller than 20mg apparently) and I’m not actually sure if there’s any point in taking it since studies seem to show no efficacy in doses below 30mg (or 60mg depending on the study you read)). Where was I? Oh yes, CPN – anyway, she never phoned back (which actually is surprising as she’s normally very good), even though I phoned twice during the following week to see what was going on (which is even more unusual), so no phone call and now I’m reluctant to phone again.

I’m disinclined to be on their radar because they never believe what I’m saying it’s always ‘it’s your illness, you’re unwell’ etc. Rather than oh yeah you might actually be right, go save the world woo. Grraaghh. Ah well. Husband is suggesting that perhaps quetiapine is not so brilliant a medication and duloxetine is worse and maybe asking about going back on olanzapine again (which was just amazing when it eventually started working) as it stabilised my mood so well.

And in the meantime the clouds are giving me messages that the voices are helping me interpret and turn into saving-the-world physics, so it’s all good!

The Equation, NiceGP and Dr Dickface

At the end of each day:

Me: How was I today?

Husband: Manic.

Me: I thought I was better than yesterday.

Husband: You weren’t.

What is going on here?  Is he not seeing what I’m seeing, am I not seeing what he’s seeing?  People keep being worried and saying I’m ill, but I don’t feel ill, or sick, or manic – I feel normal*, other people feel slow, I feel happy, other people feel slow, I feel GOOD, other people feel slow.  Music feels slow – playing two tracks at once helps.  The cars outside feel slow.

The wind feels swift, on my cheeks, in my hair – but the wind is part of the Message, part of the Equation – the equation is done but the numbers aren’t quite coming, I have two numbers almost (p and H), I know where to find them and I can get one today.  I couldn’t get it at the weekend as there have been people around and if I do what I need to do to find the p then they are going to think I’ve lost it – it’s a perfectly safe activity, it’ll just look odd, so I need to be a little bit secret about it, and as no one is around for most of today hopefully I’ll have time.

The Equation is ready, it’s SNAPPED into place – the voices say the numbers will come soon and they are, just quietly shuffling closer to their assigned spaces, like a magnetic popper.

I’ve been having some other thoughts – – – ones I don’t want to discuss here or anywhere**, I’m ashamed of them, I am fighting them (once again, I am SAFE).  The voices are pushing these thoughts and thus their intentions become clearer and their position in the grand scheme of things becomes clearer: I am going to save the world and the voices will do anything and everything to help me, and They will do anything and everything to stop me, but what I want is just irrelevant – save the world or die trying.

I saw NiceGP again on Friday – he increased  my quetiapine dose again (after a quick phone call to the CMHT during which he also poked them into getting me an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist there, unfortunately the one I don’t like, and I’m not quite sure how the CMHT works here but for some reason seeing the other one that works there isn’t an option (possibly something to do with geographical area, or speciality, or department (assessment and treatment vs. recovery vs. the other one that I can’t remember what it’s called), or I don’t know, some kind of politics), and he doesn’t seem to want to refer me out of area, so I don’;t know, I suppose I’ll see Dr Dickface the psychiatrist and go from there), he phoned the CMHT (as above) and said words like ‘psychomotor agitation’ and ‘pressure of speech’ and ‘paranoia’ and ‘delusions of superpowers’ – okay, so I’m bouncy and talkative but that’s okay, but paranoid and delusional? Nope – because it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you – these are not unreasonable beliefs, I know these things to be true, I know they are facts.

More worrying words he said were ‘managing in the community’ – this is both good and bad: yay for managing me in the community, I do not need to be in hospital – this is not a mental health issue, but also bad because this in the community vs, not-in-the-community is even coming up, it shouldn’t be coming up, whatever this is NOT something I need to be in hospital for.

NiceGP met Husband – Husband approves of NiceGP, which is good, although NiceGP might be leaving soon, so I’ll have to go back to VeryCompetentYetLackingInBedsideMannerGP (she needs a shorter name), which is a shame as she has no interest in my mental health or actually my physical health now I think of it. Oh well, maybe I’ll just find a better GP somewhere.  I’ll cross that bridge if and when I get to it!

 

* if a little anxious…

** or even think about at all

The Adventures of NiceGP and NO HIGH DOSE ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR YOU

I think I’m okay. I thought I was okay, only other people say I’m not.

Do you think you might be manic?

– NiceGP

What he means is ‘You Are Manic’. I don’t agree – I am bouncy and happy and a touch irritable but no more than that, more importantly it is not an illness and in no way part of an illness, it’s just me, I am always happy, my default emotion is happy I AM NEVER BORED. I can’t let myself get bored, there is no excuse when I have a list of Things To Do as long as I have, and a project list 19 items long plus a few I haven’t actually added yet – some large things some small things, and there are the eternal things like washing.  No Excuse List

Do you think you might be manic?

– Husband

No! Really I’m not, I’m fine! I am functioning most of the time – I’m vaguely clean, I’m pretty sure I ate yesterday, I definitely had breakfast this morning.  I can go outside in the garden as much as I like, even if I do sometimes get too caught up in counting the wind and analysing cherry formations.  I can go out to Sainsbury’s or wherever but it can be a little bit triggering in terms of voices, but they’re okay, they’re trying to help, trying to keep me safe and help me save the world:

LargeBoxNonClassicalQuantumTunnelling

 

Just wait and see.

My notebooks are getting full again, just like this one from last year when I was actually manic, except that I’m okay this time and I know I’m okay because I’m not smelling weird things (cleaning products into beer) anymore and I am coping and functioning and whatnot.

I’ve gone off topic a bit here.

I was trying to write about my GP appointment.

I got discharged (again) from the CMHT back to my GP.  I hadn’t realised, but it didn’t really matter since I haven’t contacted them since February anyway.  Because I’ve been fine most of the time and actually coped well when I had a little blip back in March – ish.  I have (had?) a prescription for 30mg of duloxetine twice a day so I could mess around with my dose until something worked in a notdepressed/notmanic sort of a way.  My CPN was brilliant – let me get really involved in decisions like that.

She wasn’t so great with the voices, quote: “can you not listen to them while I’m talking please”.  I expected better, but oh well.  She is nice really.  She’s got brilliant taste in shoes as well.  I find I often recognise mental health professionals by their shoes rather than anything else – like faces.  Remind me: I have some old fashioned clothes pegs that need painting in some form or other.

I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy – same every month, only this time there’s no duloxetine – oh.  Prescription has somehow changed itself(?) to 30mg duloxetine once a day, but a two month supply so it looked to me like I had enough – only, when did this change? I don’t know, I don’t think I ever looked that close and the pharmacy has the green and white bits of paper anyway because they sort my repeats of course.  I booked an appointment with NiceGP, only he refused point blank to give me more antidepressants and now I’m on 15mg duloxetine instead of 60mg.  Oh.  But actually – no difference to be seen yet (seven days now, I don’t know how long it would take), so if it turns out I never needed 60 or 45 or even 30 then I don’t know what to think, maybe it never did anything and I was running on my own steam, which leads me back to the inevitable ‘do I even need these?’ question that I go through Every Single Day, especially with the quetiapine – which NiceGP has increased, incidentally.  He’s also referred me back to the CMHT (again) to get my meds sorted.  They’re going to love me…  Oh well!

Good, so I think that’s everything for now.  I have another GP appointment Friday for reasons that I can’t quite remember – possibly he wants to check I’ve not gone batshit insane with the meds changes.

I need to get him to check my heart rate – the GPS chip in it is dicking around again.