Warning Signs

Oh okay, did I maybe speak too soon with regards to my mood? It’s been escalating over the last few days. I am annoying, bouncy, unfettered but still in control. I can sit still and settle to tasks. But does it really matter if my mood skips up a bit? As long as it doesn’t skip out of control and stop me functioning, surely it’s okay, normal even? It’s not a ‘normal’ mood, as much as I want to normalise it, I don’t see other people doing the things I do and thinking like I think (unless they’re hypomanic/manic of course), but it is not hypomania. Let’s call it sub-clinical, if we have to call it anything.

The crucial point here is that I, with my ‘support network’, can deal with this without having to call in the cavalry (which is a word apparently from the Italian for ‘horse’ – cavallo), I just need to stick to the lists and keep taking the meds. I hate having to take them, because of course I don’t need them do I? But I do, I know I do, I need to learn from history. I need to think about that diagram from the last post. Break the cycle and avoid the triggers. The problem being that cold I had of course, but if I keep avoiding triggers but also avoid aggravating factors like physics, poor sleep hygiene (bleurgh), and oh wait I think I have four or five large projects on the go right now, so let’s shelve some of those for now. I am sleeping still, around six hours a night which isn’t too bad, but still less than I would consider normal for me.

I have alerted Husband to the fact that convincing myself to take meds is getting more and more difficult, so he is helping (mostly by nagging until I take them, but that is what is needed right now). I haven’t told him about the headnoise, mostly because I’m not sure it’s anything to worry about, and if I tell him he will worry. It’s not all real words, and the rest is nonsense. I’m not even properly ‘hearing’ most of it, more feeling it. I think I have heard the term pseudo-hallucinations in relation to this state of non-hearing. The problem is that this is what has preceded every single manic episode I can remember, which have all resulted in full on voice-hearing, messages from the TV and so on. Phase one doesn’t always result phase two, but phase two is always preceded by phase one. For now, being aware of it is sufficient.

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Control

I think I might be starting to lose control of my life, again.  I have (had?) a handle on my mood – it’s a bit low, but is it depression?  I’m not sure, but what are my early warning signs… I’ve forgotten.  It always raises a flag when my dad cooks or tries to take over the cooking of dinner.  It’s his way of looking after me.  He doesn’t always realise he’s doing it, but it does make me question what may or may not be going on with my head.  What are my other warning signs… I swear I wrote them down somewhere… Nope, lost them.

I’ll have to think of some.  Apathy (check), sleeping too much (check), oh what else… I don’t know.  I can’t think.  I can’t think at all.  Things are slipping away from me, out of my control.  Standing in the checkout line at asda (terrified, with someone, but terrified, people following, people watching) I saw they had pay as you go sim cards for sale.  So I think if I get one I can put it in my phone and then they won’t be able to track me, but of course the tracker chip is in the phone as much as the number/data/sim is tracked.  And the bugs on the line… I don’t know how to get rid of them, and then there’s the one in my heart still.  I think this is still in my control, I think I can still tell myself that none of this is real, no one is watching me and no one wants to hurt me.  At the same time I’m modifying my behaviours – not going out alone, avoiding crowded places, trying to blow up the chip in my heart through gymming it.  I’m still here, in reality, I’m sane and I intend to stay that way.  The voices are there of course – mostly nonsense phrases or talking about what I’m doing.  Some instructions, but harmless.  I’m mostly okay, but I need to stay that way.

What am I doing about it?  I have Plan A and Plan B.  Plan A is increase my antidepressant to 45mg a day, which I did… erm… two weeks ago? So I wouldn’t be seeing an improvement in mood just yet.  Plan B is phone my CPN.  I really don’t want to invoke Plan B.  I want to do this on my own, I want to cope on my own, I don’t want to need help.