Rapid Cycling

When I was at university, yeaaaars ago now, I would cycling up and down pretty much daily, which was horrible and I hated it, but as I got older my mood episodes swung towards longer and more pronounced… things, which whilst also horrible, at least I could plan around them, and it also meant that I got long periods of stability in between. So now I’ve just switched from quitealotofquetiapine to alittleolanzapine and it’s not doing its job – I’m up to my ears in voices (pun intended, or whatever it is), my mood has switched three times in the last three weeks and a do.not.like it. I saw my GP today as an aside since my blood test results came back and I’m anaemic (10, but the worst it’s ever been is 8 – I work on “can I get up the stairs without getting out of breath?” if yes, I’m not that anaemic, and as I can I thought I was probably okay, but apparently this is an ineffective scoring method probably because I’ve got so used to it. Maybe running will be easier now, I always struggled with my respiratory system giving out before my muscles) and whilst he was concerned about mood (and some other things I may have talked about but I don’t want to if I haven’t already, here anyway – just don’t want it where They (you know who I mean) can get hold of it) he just didn’t have the time to go into it properly. He’s an amazing GP, but I can see the NHS stifling him.

The olanzapine isn’t doing its job, and there’s no one to call to help – I think I’ve talked before about the lack of accessible services in my area, I’m on meds, I should be well, so I don’t get any help. I do wonder if they’d change their minds if they actually talked to me though. I’m appalled by the lack of care I’ve received – some stats: I haven’t seen a psychiatrist (outside of the hospital admission in November 2013) since February 2013; I haven’t seen a mental health professional at all since August 2014 (ish, I can’t be arsed with looking things up), and god knows I’ve NEEDED to! I’ve seriously considered making a complaint, perhaps via PALS, but to be perfectly honest I’m not sure it would achieve anything other than get me blacklisted by the CMHT, and they’re really nice people besides, they just have limited resources.

I’m looking at other options for getting help – private is too expensive, although my parents have said they could pay for 3 or so sessions to get my medication sorted, but that won’t help with things like applying for benefits/jobs and other services the CMHT have (or at least used to have). The wonderful Sean has pointed me in the direction of Together UK, which looks like it could be useful. It’s hard though, I really don’t have the brain functionality to sort this out right now and Husband and my family all have too much on their plates, I can’t ask more of them and Husband (although he feels like a dick doing it) really doesn’t like me when I’m manic (and of course I don’t blame him, I’m horrendous) I don’t want this! The Voices aren’t helping with the whole thing, I’m trying to pretend I don’t hear them but I don’t know how well it’s working. Maybe people have noticed.

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What I Want

I’ve been thinking about what I want and need, now and for the future. Really all I want is a job, a house, and a couple of kids. I don’t want to be rich and famous. Just a normal life.

In order to get these things there are other things that need to happen first – namely sorting out my mood (etc…). I’ve been applying for lots of jobs, although no luck so far and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m completely unemployable. I would absolutely love to be self-employed (and god knows I have enough ideas for it), but I need to be healthy first, and Husband and I need to be geographically settled.

Short Term

  • a job
  • keep control of my mood
  • get my mood level so I don’t have to control it
  • voices/noises to go away
  • keep Husband as uninvolved as possible
  • avoid needing to see GP
  • avoid needing a referral to CMHT

Basically I want to be vaguely functional and in a position to move to the medium term plan roughly around the time Husband finishes his degree.

Medium Term

  • keep the above mentioned (currently non-existent) job
  • a house
  • continuing level mood
  • no “unusual experiences” (their words)
  • keep Husband appraised of my MH, but not involve him
    (nursing all day, carer by night – must be horrid)
  • maybe some kind long term support from CMHT
    or at least a useful care plan

By this point, I want to be a relatively normal, functioning human being. I’m not giving myself a deadline because I’m fairly certain that will make it harder. I think it’ll take a few years – got to be realistic.

Long Term

  • to still be working and able to work
  • to be self-employed
  • still living and managing to pay for the aforementioned house
  • kids
  • stable mood over long term, though there are likely to
    be blips – hopefully care plan will have plans for this
  • Husband not to freak out every time I get early warning
    signs as I can often head off an episode at this point
  • to not need support from CMHT but confident I will be able
    to access it if necessary

This is the plan, now to stick to the plan! Even if it is somewhat contradictory in places.