What Next?

Following on from my previous post, a quick update. I saw my GP again, around two or three weeks later, still with suicidal ideation, and a plan, so he did in the end put me back on antidepressants for a maximum of one month and with strict instructions to come off them at the first sign of any loopiness. Within two weeks I was getting hypomanic and feeling just amazing, so I stopped the antidepressants immediately. Unfortunately the high mood seems to have stuck around and is getting out of control (this is according to Husband, I feel perfectly normal!)

I’m trying to be objective – no, I’m not sitting still, or managing to complete tasks without going off on a series of tangents. Apparently I’m talking quickly and jumping from topic to topic (although it doesn’t seem like that to me!). I don’t think I’m hearing voices but it’s so hard to tell what I’m actually hearing and what other people are hearing, and I’m not 100% sure about what I should be hearing. Does that make sense? People say it doesn’t but it does to me, maybe I’m not explaining well. I can’t tell if what I’m hearing is the same as what other people are hearing. I could ask I suppose, but Husband is already worried enough, and I don’t want to look like a crazy person. The things I’m not sure about hearing are mostly about numbers and their various levels of important, and about certain branches of physics and the associated experiments. There are also some bits about the danger of the physics from certain other people. 2058 is showing up everywhere.

Husband wants me to see my GP again – this is only five weeks after my last visit. I don’t want to be going too often, but at the moment he’s literally my only mental health support. I’m trying to tell myself that if I had a CPN, or support worker or something, a five week interval would be considered a huge break for most people. The thing is that there’s nothing he can do. He can’t increase my olanzapine as he only has the authority from the consultant to put it up to 10mg. He could refer me back to th CMHT I suppose, but I’ve managed to avoid them for over a year which has been brilliant because although they help I’m not that mental and I don’t need them. So what’s next? Husband says I’ve lost control and it’ll no longer get better by itself. But I’m still stuck on the idea that I’m FINE!

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The Adventures of NiceGP and NO HIGH DOSE ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR YOU

I think I’m okay. I thought I was okay, only other people say I’m not.

Do you think you might be manic?

– NiceGP

What he means is ‘You Are Manic’. I don’t agree – I am bouncy and happy and a touch irritable but no more than that, more importantly it is not an illness and in no way part of an illness, it’s just me, I am always happy, my default emotion is happy I AM NEVER BORED. I can’t let myself get bored, there is no excuse when I have a list of Things To Do as long as I have, and a project list 19 items long plus a few I haven’t actually added yet – some large things some small things, and there are the eternal things like washing.  No Excuse List

Do you think you might be manic?

– Husband

No! Really I’m not, I’m fine! I am functioning most of the time – I’m vaguely clean, I’m pretty sure I ate yesterday, I definitely had breakfast this morning.  I can go outside in the garden as much as I like, even if I do sometimes get too caught up in counting the wind and analysing cherry formations.  I can go out to Sainsbury’s or wherever but it can be a little bit triggering in terms of voices, but they’re okay, they’re trying to help, trying to keep me safe and help me save the world:

LargeBoxNonClassicalQuantumTunnelling

 

Just wait and see.

My notebooks are getting full again, just like this one from last year when I was actually manic, except that I’m okay this time and I know I’m okay because I’m not smelling weird things (cleaning products into beer) anymore and I am coping and functioning and whatnot.

I’ve gone off topic a bit here.

I was trying to write about my GP appointment.

I got discharged (again) from the CMHT back to my GP.  I hadn’t realised, but it didn’t really matter since I haven’t contacted them since February anyway.  Because I’ve been fine most of the time and actually coped well when I had a little blip back in March – ish.  I have (had?) a prescription for 30mg of duloxetine twice a day so I could mess around with my dose until something worked in a notdepressed/notmanic sort of a way.  My CPN was brilliant – let me get really involved in decisions like that.

She wasn’t so great with the voices, quote: “can you not listen to them while I’m talking please”.  I expected better, but oh well.  She is nice really.  She’s got brilliant taste in shoes as well.  I find I often recognise mental health professionals by their shoes rather than anything else – like faces.  Remind me: I have some old fashioned clothes pegs that need painting in some form or other.

I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy – same every month, only this time there’s no duloxetine – oh.  Prescription has somehow changed itself(?) to 30mg duloxetine once a day, but a two month supply so it looked to me like I had enough – only, when did this change? I don’t know, I don’t think I ever looked that close and the pharmacy has the green and white bits of paper anyway because they sort my repeats of course.  I booked an appointment with NiceGP, only he refused point blank to give me more antidepressants and now I’m on 15mg duloxetine instead of 60mg.  Oh.  But actually – no difference to be seen yet (seven days now, I don’t know how long it would take), so if it turns out I never needed 60 or 45 or even 30 then I don’t know what to think, maybe it never did anything and I was running on my own steam, which leads me back to the inevitable ‘do I even need these?’ question that I go through Every Single Day, especially with the quetiapine – which NiceGP has increased, incidentally.  He’s also referred me back to the CMHT (again) to get my meds sorted.  They’re going to love me…  Oh well!

Good, so I think that’s everything for now.  I have another GP appointment Friday for reasons that I can’t quite remember – possibly he wants to check I’ve not gone batshit insane with the meds changes.

I need to get him to check my heart rate – the GPS chip in it is dicking around again.

Taking a Trip

I need to write something but I’m stuck in my head.  I had an overwhelming day – too many people plus voices apparently…  I keep trying to mute my laptop but apparently the music playing out of it isn’t actually coming out of it.  If that makes sense.  A quick whisk around the room told me it wasn’t coming from anywhere else either.  Checked outside just to be on the safe side, but no.  In go the earphones, block it all out.

My mood has been good, a little too high.  My GP commented that I seemed higher than I was last time he saw me and I was pretty buzzy then (two weeks ago maybe?  I lost track… could be three or even four).  He agreed with me and CPN#4 that my antidepressant (duloxetine) needs to come down from 60mg to 30mg, but I’m getting a prescription of 2x30mg tablets a day so I can fuck around with the dose as necessary (30/45 [30mg one day, 60mg the next, repeat] /60mg).  I like this level of trust!  I think I’ve made it pretty clear I’m never going to overdose.  I did it once and it was a horrific experience, and one I don’t intend to repeat.  If I want to die ever again, it’s not going to be an OD.  I’m now taking ALL the quetiapine at night instead of split over the day which has had an immediate effect on my sleeping pattern – 15 hours the first night!  Although 9 the second and 7 the third, so we’ll see how that holds.  Still, 9 and 7 hours are a good amount of sleep and about normal for me, so I’m hoping it’s just balancing out.  I’ll find out over the next few days anyway.  My astonishingly amazing GP wants to ramp up my quetiapine ‘quite significantly’ if these tweaks don’t work out, but I’m hoping they will so I don’t need to be on huge doses of things.  He was making his concerned face.  I was seeing CPN five hours after him (why do appointments always fall on the same day?  Conspiracy much?), but he would otherwise have wanted to talk to her.  Ah well.  We shall see how this goes.

I’m off to Canterbury tomorrow for a three day sojourn into the past.  I did my undergrad degree at Canterbury, so there are lots of memories there.  Lots of chill time for me – relaxing, baths, walks, restaurants (there’s a WAGAMAMA!), walks, walks, Paperchase, epic craft shop, pick ‘n’ mix shop, walks and walks.  I think I’ll take my magic hat just in case since I’ll be spending a lot of time outside.

I’m planning to revisit a lot of our old haunts, including Bangkok House (our favourite Thai food place ever), Shake Shed (because why would you not want a custom milkshake [hot mint aero or Cadbury’s fudge and caramel sauce…]?) our university of course, and I may spend some time sitting in the park (weather permitting).

As it turns out I have written a post, despite my overclocked brain cogs (see what I did there? Huh huh huh, did you?), so that can go on the list of achievements for today!

Actually that’s not a bad idea… *sets up spreadsheet with points for achieving various tasks…*

Hobbycraft and GP

Today I took a trip to Hobbycraft – that bane of my bank balance… But it was a reward for going to see Nice GP. I only needed a sick note for my mitigating circumstances claim for university, but still! Always best to avoid the professionals when I’m bouncy.  He commented on the bouncy, I said I’m fine, he was unsure, I said I’m seeing CPN#4 anyway and that was that.

Hobbycraft didn’t have what I wanted for my first choice of project (more polystyrene eggs to make more dragon eggs), nor for my second choice (decal printer paper for… something… I haven’t decided yet), so I made it up as I went along.  It resulted in a starter pack of oil paints, a large canvas, a couple of paint knife things and a restock of paper palettes.  I painted the canvas blue.

Blue

I don’t really know where I’m going with the idea, but as oil paints seem to take a really REALLY long time to dry (a week to three months), I thought I’d better get started somewhere.  I think next time I’ll just buy a can of spray paint.  The background used up about half of my medium supplies, so they’ll need restocking before I can get on to the next bit anyway.  Oh well – I think I’ll sort some stencils for this thing while it’s drying.  It’s not too late for spray paint either; it’d probably be good to use some white around the edges of the clouds I’m planning.  You know, for floatiness.

Husband went back to placement today after three weeks off for Christmas.  It seems like the patients missed him as a couple of them specifically requested him for one to one time.  He also got some really positive feedback from the staff there, so he’s a happy bunny.  And rightly so.

Not much else has happened really.  I keep drawing and painting.  I want to go for a walk, but every time I get the nerve up to leave the house it seems to be raining or 3am.  I’m not really sleeping properly, mostly just a few hours (four or five), but broken up.  On the plus side it means that I’m not dreaming the long, vivid, involved dreams that I can’t make myself wake up from.  I’m happy though!

Oh, my CPN wants me to go to a bipolar group.  Which is interesting.  I’ve never been to a group anything before, except in hospital and they don’t count.  I’m thinking about it, but I’m terrified there will be other people there.  Which there will, because it’s a group.

Why I Suck

My cousin is in the Philippines at the moment. He is safe, we’re told; he’s been in contact. But there it is again – guilt. And more guilt because I’ve made it about me. Why can’t it be me dead instead of all those people? A silly thought, I suspect. It’s unrelated. Still, I feel bad. Other people have it so many times worse. I feel like a first world problem. What are my issues compared to theirs? At the same time that thought seems to invalidate others’ experiences of mental illness. But then again I feel like a fraud. Again, other people have it worse. If someone else was saying these things to me, I would tell them that pain is relative. My worst experience is the same as another’s. I can’t seem to believe that when it comes to me. It’s not that I’m a bad person, just that I can’t possibly be trying hard enough to recover.

In other news, I saw my GP today. He is a saint. We wrote to him with regards to my meds not doing their job and my mood being rubbish. He phoned a couple of days later saying he had a plan, could come in to see him, he’d let reception know I’d be phoning so they could squeeze me in. So today I went along. He’s concerned about my mood and the voices, we talked about how I was and what I was experiencing. He mentioned words like psychosis, paranoia and delusions, but said I still seem to have some grip on reality. Which I do. I’m still fighting. The long and short of it is that he will be writing to my arse of a psychiatrist and explaining what he’s seen and what he thinks I need. Namely more antidepressant and either more haloperidol or olanzapine. Behind his professional veneer, he was rather disgusted by Dr Arseface’s actions or lack thereof. We’re all hoping for a more proactive approach now.

Oh, and I can’t see a different psychiatrist as there isn’t one.