What Next?

Following on from my previous post, a quick update. I saw my GP again, around two or three weeks later, still with suicidal ideation, and a plan, so he did in the end put me back on antidepressants for a maximum of one month and with strict instructions to come off them at the first sign of any loopiness. Within two weeks I was getting hypomanic and feeling just amazing, so I stopped the antidepressants immediately. Unfortunately the high mood seems to have stuck around and is getting out of control (this is according to Husband, I feel perfectly normal!)

I’m trying to be objective – no, I’m not sitting still, or managing to complete tasks without going off on a series of tangents. Apparently I’m talking quickly and jumping from topic to topic (although it doesn’t seem like that to me!). I don’t think I’m hearing voices but it’s so hard to tell what I’m actually hearing and what other people are hearing, and I’m not 100% sure about what I should be hearing. Does that make sense? People say it doesn’t but it does to me, maybe I’m not explaining well. I can’t tell if what I’m hearing is the same as what other people are hearing. I could ask I suppose, but Husband is already worried enough, and I don’t want to look like a crazy person. The things I’m not sure about hearing are mostly about numbers and their various levels of important, and about certain branches of physics and the associated experiments. There are also some bits about the danger of the physics from certain other people. 2058 is showing up everywhere.

Husband wants me to see my GP again – this is only five weeks after my last visit. I don’t want to be going too often, but at the moment he’s literally my only mental health support. I’m trying to tell myself that if I had a CPN, or support worker or something, a five week interval would be considered a huge break for most people. The thing is that there’s nothing he can do. He can’t increase my olanzapine as he only has the authority from the consultant to put it up to 10mg. He could refer me back to th CMHT I suppose, but I’ve managed to avoid them for over a year which has been brilliant because although they help I’m not that mental and I don’t need them. So what’s next? Husband says I’ve lost control and it’ll no longer get better by itself. But I’m still stuck on the idea that I’m FINE!

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Dreaming

I’m not one for symbolic analysis of dreams; none of this bullshit, like a dream about a frog with red feet doesn’t mean I’m going to be lucky but if it has green feet it means the shower is going to break.

But last night I had three nightmares that were pretty indicative of what’s going on in my head right now. First, I was at school and the teachers kept making us do weird things like collecting chalk from all the buildings. Second, I was running around the local shopping centre like a nutjob. And third, I was trying to drive my car from the back seat and failing.

The theme was very clear in my nightmares – loss of control. I am losing control, I don’t want to lose control, I fear loss of control. I don’t know how to keep control.

But because there’s always a bright side – at least I slept long enough to have three whole dreams!

This Is What I’m Calling Productive

I have achieved basically nothing for days. I have:

  • Tidied half a room
  • Kept myself vaguely clean (although I am somewhat covered in paint and my hair needs a wash)
  • Went to Chichester; acquired shorts
  • Planned some gardening, if not actually done any yet
  • Tried to draw. In progress.
  • Tried drypoint etching; failed miserably

Actually that’s not that bad. Reflection helps! Now for more drawing.

Er… Meds and Stuff I Suppose

Oh I am so happy, oh I am so happy *sings*

Possibly too happy… BUT I trusted other people’s judgement and they said phone your CPN, so I did.

She wasn’t there.

(Because she works between HomeTown and two other nearby towns).

But the duty person has emailed her.

I (and husband has agreed) want to drop my duloxetine back down to 15mg (that is 30mg one day, nothing the next, rinse and repeat).  I may have to change antidepressant – this one seems to make me loopy, although only recently! I’m only on 30mg now and have been for two weeks (up from 15mg, and I was kind of low, but I was also on more quetiapine then and I’m now down to 200mg, so that may also be partially to blame, I don’t even know anymore).

So I expect she’ll phone on Thursday, when I can’t talk properly because I’m O-U-T-side. I don’t know what else to do, I’m avoiding everything on my trigger list and aggravation list (coffee, certain types of music, some other things I’ve forgotten already).

Oh I don’t want the quetiapine put up again. Too much makes me lethargic and hungry. It’s not like the voices went – they were quieter yes, that’s true, and much easier to deal with, but they were coming back and those saving-the-world thoughts were coming back (although they are back now – but can I do it? I think I can and I think I have to). I don’t know what I want even. I don’t want to be drugged into zombie-uncaring-state-of-gradual-depression. I don’t want to be damagingly manic, but although I was that before, I don’t think I am that now, and I don’t think I will be as I am on more meds than before.

I can’t think now, I’m having a hard time controlling my thoughts. And my sleep is dropping off again. And my moodscope score is increasing again.

I alarmed people on the train I think – no one sat near me and people kept glancing at me nervously. I assume these specific people were in.on.it. Police everywhere. It’s all part of it. The notebooks are filling up again.

Urgh, I can’t even remember the point of this post. Like the last one. I think I just wanted to try and get some thoughts in order. Hmm. Bullet points:

  • I want duloxetine down to 15mg.
  • I want quetiapine the same or less.
  • I want the voices to go away (I don’t like that word, you know the one).
  • I want the meanings to come clearer so I can get my saving-the-world done.

Right – so if I write that down somewhere accessible I can repeat it back to my CPN!

Taking a Trip

I need to write something but I’m stuck in my head.  I had an overwhelming day – too many people plus voices apparently…  I keep trying to mute my laptop but apparently the music playing out of it isn’t actually coming out of it.  If that makes sense.  A quick whisk around the room told me it wasn’t coming from anywhere else either.  Checked outside just to be on the safe side, but no.  In go the earphones, block it all out.

My mood has been good, a little too high.  My GP commented that I seemed higher than I was last time he saw me and I was pretty buzzy then (two weeks ago maybe?  I lost track… could be three or even four).  He agreed with me and CPN#4 that my antidepressant (duloxetine) needs to come down from 60mg to 30mg, but I’m getting a prescription of 2x30mg tablets a day so I can fuck around with the dose as necessary (30/45 [30mg one day, 60mg the next, repeat] /60mg).  I like this level of trust!  I think I’ve made it pretty clear I’m never going to overdose.  I did it once and it was a horrific experience, and one I don’t intend to repeat.  If I want to die ever again, it’s not going to be an OD.  I’m now taking ALL the quetiapine at night instead of split over the day which has had an immediate effect on my sleeping pattern – 15 hours the first night!  Although 9 the second and 7 the third, so we’ll see how that holds.  Still, 9 and 7 hours are a good amount of sleep and about normal for me, so I’m hoping it’s just balancing out.  I’ll find out over the next few days anyway.  My astonishingly amazing GP wants to ramp up my quetiapine ‘quite significantly’ if these tweaks don’t work out, but I’m hoping they will so I don’t need to be on huge doses of things.  He was making his concerned face.  I was seeing CPN five hours after him (why do appointments always fall on the same day?  Conspiracy much?), but he would otherwise have wanted to talk to her.  Ah well.  We shall see how this goes.

I’m off to Canterbury tomorrow for a three day sojourn into the past.  I did my undergrad degree at Canterbury, so there are lots of memories there.  Lots of chill time for me – relaxing, baths, walks, restaurants (there’s a WAGAMAMA!), walks, walks, Paperchase, epic craft shop, pick ‘n’ mix shop, walks and walks.  I think I’ll take my magic hat just in case since I’ll be spending a lot of time outside.

I’m planning to revisit a lot of our old haunts, including Bangkok House (our favourite Thai food place ever), Shake Shed (because why would you not want a custom milkshake [hot mint aero or Cadbury’s fudge and caramel sauce…]?) our university of course, and I may spend some time sitting in the park (weather permitting).

As it turns out I have written a post, despite my overclocked brain cogs (see what I did there? Huh huh huh, did you?), so that can go on the list of achievements for today!

Actually that’s not a bad idea… *sets up spreadsheet with points for achieving various tasks…*

Hobbycraft and GP

Today I took a trip to Hobbycraft – that bane of my bank balance… But it was a reward for going to see Nice GP. I only needed a sick note for my mitigating circumstances claim for university, but still! Always best to avoid the professionals when I’m bouncy.  He commented on the bouncy, I said I’m fine, he was unsure, I said I’m seeing CPN#4 anyway and that was that.

Hobbycraft didn’t have what I wanted for my first choice of project (more polystyrene eggs to make more dragon eggs), nor for my second choice (decal printer paper for… something… I haven’t decided yet), so I made it up as I went along.  It resulted in a starter pack of oil paints, a large canvas, a couple of paint knife things and a restock of paper palettes.  I painted the canvas blue.

Blue

I don’t really know where I’m going with the idea, but as oil paints seem to take a really REALLY long time to dry (a week to three months), I thought I’d better get started somewhere.  I think next time I’ll just buy a can of spray paint.  The background used up about half of my medium supplies, so they’ll need restocking before I can get on to the next bit anyway.  Oh well – I think I’ll sort some stencils for this thing while it’s drying.  It’s not too late for spray paint either; it’d probably be good to use some white around the edges of the clouds I’m planning.  You know, for floatiness.

Husband went back to placement today after three weeks off for Christmas.  It seems like the patients missed him as a couple of them specifically requested him for one to one time.  He also got some really positive feedback from the staff there, so he’s a happy bunny.  And rightly so.

Not much else has happened really.  I keep drawing and painting.  I want to go for a walk, but every time I get the nerve up to leave the house it seems to be raining or 3am.  I’m not really sleeping properly, mostly just a few hours (four or five), but broken up.  On the plus side it means that I’m not dreaming the long, vivid, involved dreams that I can’t make myself wake up from.  I’m happy though!

Oh, my CPN wants me to go to a bipolar group.  Which is interesting.  I’ve never been to a group anything before, except in hospital and they don’t count.  I’m thinking about it, but I’m terrified there will be other people there.  Which there will, because it’s a group.