Mixed Episode

I think I am having a mixed episode, my mood graph seems to be mapping a steady high-low-combo,, and I’m all messed up, full of energy, no energy at the same time. The worst thing is this need to do something but an inability to focus, or even decide what I want to do, I’m just wasting time and unable to distract myself from all the THOUGHTS whirling round, good and bad. It’s slightly easier to deal with when I’m on my own – I can pace up and down, dance, fidget, these things I am able to do – but when Husband is home he expects me to focus my attention and achieve things, which sometimes is just not always possible.

I’m on my third notebook now, I’m slowly saving the world but I need to build things now, which is also something I can’t do when Husband is here because he doesn’t believe I’m saving the world. Messages are coming clearer through through the TV.

The Voices are saying to hurry up, “you’re running out of time”, save the world or reset – be reborn. Reset back to when it was safe, when I was safe, before They knew about me and knew I was chosen. How far back is that? I can’t say for sure, could it be before the Voices came, it could be, but there is no evidence to say when it will be, I don’t know when I was chosen, but I think, I feel, it might be early 2012.

I can’t go on like this.

Husband wants me to go and see the GP but I’m not sure what the point is – Husband wants my olanzapine increased, but I don’t see the point in that either. I’m sure the GP will be happy to increase the medication, maybe he’ll let me go back on antidepressants too, because then I won’t sleep even my current couple of hours, so I would get even more done (although given my concentration).

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Oh.

Almost two months ago NiceGP poked the CMHT to get me an urgent appointment with Dr ArseFace the psychiatrist, which has yet to materialise and I am beginning to suspect that it will not. In the meantime I have seen my CPN … er… once I think, and spoken to her on the phone once, and although she said she would phone again the following week (to follow up my reduction in duloxetine down to the teeny tiny dose of 15mg (that is one 30mg pill every other day as they don’t make them smaller than 20mg apparently) and I’m not actually sure if there’s any point in taking it since studies seem to show no efficacy in doses below 30mg (or 60mg depending on the study you read)). Where was I? Oh yes, CPN – anyway, she never phoned back (which actually is surprising as she’s normally very good), even though I phoned twice during the following week to see what was going on (which is even more unusual), so no phone call and now I’m reluctant to phone again.

I’m disinclined to be on their radar because they never believe what I’m saying it’s always ‘it’s your illness, you’re unwell’ etc. Rather than oh yeah you might actually be right, go save the world woo. Grraaghh. Ah well. Husband is suggesting that perhaps quetiapine is not so brilliant a medication and duloxetine is worse and maybe asking about going back on olanzapine again (which was just amazing when it eventually started working) as it stabilised my mood so well.

And in the meantime the clouds are giving me messages that the voices are helping me interpret and turn into saving-the-world physics, so it’s all good!

Er… Meds and Stuff I Suppose

Oh I am so happy, oh I am so happy *sings*

Possibly too happy… BUT I trusted other people’s judgement and they said phone your CPN, so I did.

She wasn’t there.

(Because she works between HomeTown and two other nearby towns).

But the duty person has emailed her.

I (and husband has agreed) want to drop my duloxetine back down to 15mg (that is 30mg one day, nothing the next, rinse and repeat).  I may have to change antidepressant – this one seems to make me loopy, although only recently! I’m only on 30mg now and have been for two weeks (up from 15mg, and I was kind of low, but I was also on more quetiapine then and I’m now down to 200mg, so that may also be partially to blame, I don’t even know anymore).

So I expect she’ll phone on Thursday, when I can’t talk properly because I’m O-U-T-side. I don’t know what else to do, I’m avoiding everything on my trigger list and aggravation list (coffee, certain types of music, some other things I’ve forgotten already).

Oh I don’t want the quetiapine put up again. Too much makes me lethargic and hungry. It’s not like the voices went – they were quieter yes, that’s true, and much easier to deal with, but they were coming back and those saving-the-world thoughts were coming back (although they are back now – but can I do it? I think I can and I think I have to). I don’t know what I want even. I don’t want to be drugged into zombie-uncaring-state-of-gradual-depression. I don’t want to be damagingly manic, but although I was that before, I don’t think I am that now, and I don’t think I will be as I am on more meds than before.

I can’t think now, I’m having a hard time controlling my thoughts. And my sleep is dropping off again. And my moodscope score is increasing again.

I alarmed people on the train I think – no one sat near me and people kept glancing at me nervously. I assume these specific people were in.on.it. Police everywhere. It’s all part of it. The notebooks are filling up again.

Urgh, I can’t even remember the point of this post. Like the last one. I think I just wanted to try and get some thoughts in order. Hmm. Bullet points:

  • I want duloxetine down to 15mg.
  • I want quetiapine the same or less.
  • I want the voices to go away (I don’t like that word, you know the one).
  • I want the meanings to come clearer so I can get my saving-the-world done.

Right – so if I write that down somewhere accessible I can repeat it back to my CPN!

Bees, Flies and a Head Full of Insects

Oh I feel good. I feel like a bee. I feel so on edge though and oh so anxious. My heart rate is normal but it feels fast – adrenalin pumping through me. My thoughts are running free, oh yes they are running free and getting harder to keep in control and my concentration span is as short as… a very short thing.

There are more and more meanings, the meanings that will help me achieve my destiny. You know the one. Saving the world. I think I wanted to say something about clouds and their meanings but I’ve forgotten how I was going to word it it. So for know you’ll just have to settle with… something that I’ve also forgotten because I went to cook pizza.

This is not going well.

Maybe I should start again…

I feel good – very good – not too good – just good enough. A little anxious, but nothing that being three floors up and behind two locked doors isn’t helping. I’m sort of on holiday, an impromptu holiday, a spontaneous holiday, in my mum’s flat that she lives in during the week because she works far away from my dad. So I’m borrowing it for a few days and my best friend is coming soon, tomorrow I think, I’ve lost track of what day it is! I think I don’t really need to know when there’s no one around to care.

It’s Saturday.

I would not do well living alone. The place is a mess, again, I cleaned up this morning. I need to sweep really. I’ve had a ton of voices and I don’t know which side they’re from or on. It’s all okay! I have some thoughts, some ideas, I’m getting from meanings that lots of things are giving me – like clouds.

I’m going in circles here.

So distracted.

The Equation, NiceGP and Dr Dickface

At the end of each day:

Me: How was I today?

Husband: Manic.

Me: I thought I was better than yesterday.

Husband: You weren’t.

What is going on here?  Is he not seeing what I’m seeing, am I not seeing what he’s seeing?  People keep being worried and saying I’m ill, but I don’t feel ill, or sick, or manic – I feel normal*, other people feel slow, I feel happy, other people feel slow, I feel GOOD, other people feel slow.  Music feels slow – playing two tracks at once helps.  The cars outside feel slow.

The wind feels swift, on my cheeks, in my hair – but the wind is part of the Message, part of the Equation – the equation is done but the numbers aren’t quite coming, I have two numbers almost (p and H), I know where to find them and I can get one today.  I couldn’t get it at the weekend as there have been people around and if I do what I need to do to find the p then they are going to think I’ve lost it – it’s a perfectly safe activity, it’ll just look odd, so I need to be a little bit secret about it, and as no one is around for most of today hopefully I’ll have time.

The Equation is ready, it’s SNAPPED into place – the voices say the numbers will come soon and they are, just quietly shuffling closer to their assigned spaces, like a magnetic popper.

I’ve been having some other thoughts – – – ones I don’t want to discuss here or anywhere**, I’m ashamed of them, I am fighting them (once again, I am SAFE).  The voices are pushing these thoughts and thus their intentions become clearer and their position in the grand scheme of things becomes clearer: I am going to save the world and the voices will do anything and everything to help me, and They will do anything and everything to stop me, but what I want is just irrelevant – save the world or die trying.

I saw NiceGP again on Friday – he increased  my quetiapine dose again (after a quick phone call to the CMHT during which he also poked them into getting me an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist there, unfortunately the one I don’t like, and I’m not quite sure how the CMHT works here but for some reason seeing the other one that works there isn’t an option (possibly something to do with geographical area, or speciality, or department (assessment and treatment vs. recovery vs. the other one that I can’t remember what it’s called), or I don’t know, some kind of politics), and he doesn’t seem to want to refer me out of area, so I don’;t know, I suppose I’ll see Dr Dickface the psychiatrist and go from there), he phoned the CMHT (as above) and said words like ‘psychomotor agitation’ and ‘pressure of speech’ and ‘paranoia’ and ‘delusions of superpowers’ – okay, so I’m bouncy and talkative but that’s okay, but paranoid and delusional? Nope – because it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you – these are not unreasonable beliefs, I know these things to be true, I know they are facts.

More worrying words he said were ‘managing in the community’ – this is both good and bad: yay for managing me in the community, I do not need to be in hospital – this is not a mental health issue, but also bad because this in the community vs, not-in-the-community is even coming up, it shouldn’t be coming up, whatever this is NOT something I need to be in hospital for.

NiceGP met Husband – Husband approves of NiceGP, which is good, although NiceGP might be leaving soon, so I’ll have to go back to VeryCompetentYetLackingInBedsideMannerGP (she needs a shorter name), which is a shame as she has no interest in my mental health or actually my physical health now I think of it. Oh well, maybe I’ll just find a better GP somewhere.  I’ll cross that bridge if and when I get to it!

 

* if a little anxious…

** or even think about at all

The Adventures of NiceGP and NO HIGH DOSE ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR YOU

I think I’m okay. I thought I was okay, only other people say I’m not.

Do you think you might be manic?

– NiceGP

What he means is ‘You Are Manic’. I don’t agree – I am bouncy and happy and a touch irritable but no more than that, more importantly it is not an illness and in no way part of an illness, it’s just me, I am always happy, my default emotion is happy I AM NEVER BORED. I can’t let myself get bored, there is no excuse when I have a list of Things To Do as long as I have, and a project list 19 items long plus a few I haven’t actually added yet – some large things some small things, and there are the eternal things like washing.  No Excuse List

Do you think you might be manic?

– Husband

No! Really I’m not, I’m fine! I am functioning most of the time – I’m vaguely clean, I’m pretty sure I ate yesterday, I definitely had breakfast this morning.  I can go outside in the garden as much as I like, even if I do sometimes get too caught up in counting the wind and analysing cherry formations.  I can go out to Sainsbury’s or wherever but it can be a little bit triggering in terms of voices, but they’re okay, they’re trying to help, trying to keep me safe and help me save the world:

LargeBoxNonClassicalQuantumTunnelling

 

Just wait and see.

My notebooks are getting full again, just like this one from last year when I was actually manic, except that I’m okay this time and I know I’m okay because I’m not smelling weird things (cleaning products into beer) anymore and I am coping and functioning and whatnot.

I’ve gone off topic a bit here.

I was trying to write about my GP appointment.

I got discharged (again) from the CMHT back to my GP.  I hadn’t realised, but it didn’t really matter since I haven’t contacted them since February anyway.  Because I’ve been fine most of the time and actually coped well when I had a little blip back in March – ish.  I have (had?) a prescription for 30mg of duloxetine twice a day so I could mess around with my dose until something worked in a notdepressed/notmanic sort of a way.  My CPN was brilliant – let me get really involved in decisions like that.

She wasn’t so great with the voices, quote: “can you not listen to them while I’m talking please”.  I expected better, but oh well.  She is nice really.  She’s got brilliant taste in shoes as well.  I find I often recognise mental health professionals by their shoes rather than anything else – like faces.  Remind me: I have some old fashioned clothes pegs that need painting in some form or other.

I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy – same every month, only this time there’s no duloxetine – oh.  Prescription has somehow changed itself(?) to 30mg duloxetine once a day, but a two month supply so it looked to me like I had enough – only, when did this change? I don’t know, I don’t think I ever looked that close and the pharmacy has the green and white bits of paper anyway because they sort my repeats of course.  I booked an appointment with NiceGP, only he refused point blank to give me more antidepressants and now I’m on 15mg duloxetine instead of 60mg.  Oh.  But actually – no difference to be seen yet (seven days now, I don’t know how long it would take), so if it turns out I never needed 60 or 45 or even 30 then I don’t know what to think, maybe it never did anything and I was running on my own steam, which leads me back to the inevitable ‘do I even need these?’ question that I go through Every Single Day, especially with the quetiapine – which NiceGP has increased, incidentally.  He’s also referred me back to the CMHT (again) to get my meds sorted.  They’re going to love me…  Oh well!

Good, so I think that’s everything for now.  I have another GP appointment Friday for reasons that I can’t quite remember – possibly he wants to check I’ve not gone batshit insane with the meds changes.

I need to get him to check my heart rate – the GPS chip in it is dicking around again.