What Next?

Following on from my previous post, a quick update. I saw my GP again, around two or three weeks later, still with suicidal ideation, and a plan, so he did in the end put me back on antidepressants for a maximum of one month and with strict instructions to come off them at the first sign of any loopiness. Within two weeks I was getting hypomanic and feeling just amazing, so I stopped the antidepressants immediately. Unfortunately the high mood seems to have stuck around and is getting out of control (this is according to Husband, I feel perfectly normal!)

I’m trying to be objective – no, I’m not sitting still, or managing to complete tasks without going off on a series of tangents. Apparently I’m talking quickly and jumping from topic to topic (although it doesn’t seem like that to me!). I don’t think I’m hearing voices but it’s so hard to tell what I’m actually hearing and what other people are hearing, and I’m not 100% sure about what I should be hearing. Does that make sense? People say it doesn’t but it does to me, maybe I’m not explaining well. I can’t tell if what I’m hearing is the same as what other people are hearing. I could ask I suppose, but Husband is already worried enough, and I don’t want to look like a crazy person. The things I’m not sure about hearing are mostly about numbers and their various levels of important, and about certain branches of physics and the associated experiments. There are also some bits about the danger of the physics from certain other people. 2058 is showing up everywhere.

Husband wants me to see my GP again – this is only five weeks after my last visit. I don’t want to be going too often, but at the moment he’s literally my only mental health support. I’m trying to tell myself that if I had a CPN, or support worker or something, a five week interval would be considered a huge break for most people. The thing is that there’s nothing he can do. He can’t increase my olanzapine as he only has the authority from the consultant to put it up to 10mg. He could refer me back to th CMHT I suppose, but I’ve managed to avoid them for over a year which has been brilliant because although they help I’m not that mental and I don’t need them. So what’s next? Husband says I’ve lost control and it’ll no longer get better by itself. But I’m still stuck on the idea that I’m FINE!

Mixed Episode

I think I am having a mixed episode, my mood graph seems to be mapping a steady high-low-combo,, and I’m all messed up, full of energy, no energy at the same time. The worst thing is this need to do something but an inability to focus, or even decide what I want to do, I’m just wasting time and unable to distract myself from all the THOUGHTS whirling round, good and bad. It’s slightly easier to deal with when I’m on my own – I can pace up and down, dance, fidget, these things I am able to do – but when Husband is home he expects me to focus my attention and achieve things, which sometimes is just not always possible.

I’m on my third notebook now, I’m slowly saving the world but I need to build things now, which is also something I can’t do when Husband is here because he doesn’t believe I’m saving the world. Messages are coming clearer through through the TV.

The Voices are saying to hurry up, “you’re running out of time”, save the world or reset – be reborn. Reset back to when it was safe, when I was safe, before They knew about me and knew I was chosen. How far back is that? I can’t say for sure, could it be before the Voices came, it could be, but there is no evidence to say when it will be, I don’t know when I was chosen, but I think, I feel, it might be early 2012.

I can’t go on like this.

Husband wants me to go and see the GP but I’m not sure what the point is – Husband wants my olanzapine increased, but I don’t see the point in that either. I’m sure the GP will be happy to increase the medication, maybe he’ll let me go back on antidepressants too, because then I won’t sleep even my current couple of hours, so I would get even more done (although given my concentration).

Oh.

Almost two months ago NiceGP poked the CMHT to get me an urgent appointment with Dr ArseFace the psychiatrist, which has yet to materialise and I am beginning to suspect that it will not. In the meantime I have seen my CPN … er… once I think, and spoken to her on the phone once, and although she said she would phone again the following week (to follow up my reduction in duloxetine down to the teeny tiny dose of 15mg (that is one 30mg pill every other day as they don’t make them smaller than 20mg apparently) and I’m not actually sure if there’s any point in taking it since studies seem to show no efficacy in doses below 30mg (or 60mg depending on the study you read)). Where was I? Oh yes, CPN – anyway, she never phoned back (which actually is surprising as she’s normally very good), even though I phoned twice during the following week to see what was going on (which is even more unusual), so no phone call and now I’m reluctant to phone again.

I’m disinclined to be on their radar because they never believe what I’m saying it’s always ‘it’s your illness, you’re unwell’ etc. Rather than oh yeah you might actually be right, go save the world woo. Grraaghh. Ah well. Husband is suggesting that perhaps quetiapine is not so brilliant a medication and duloxetine is worse and maybe asking about going back on olanzapine again (which was just amazing when it eventually started working) as it stabilised my mood so well.

And in the meantime the clouds are giving me messages that the voices are helping me interpret and turn into saving-the-world physics, so it’s all good!

If the Ink was Red it would look like a Murder Scene

This is going to be a linocut-related post for the most part, the mental health stuff is further down the page – here is a SHORTCUT.

 

I went a bit linocut-mad recently.  I had a few… erm… I don’t actually know what they’re called officially, but the actual bits of lino that you print off… I had a few of those ready but I was putting off printing because it takes forever and is very physically demanding, especially as in the end I spent about three half-days printing and I’m really stiff now.

Really I only had three images (for lack of a better word) to print – Deadline: Bluebird, a cute little dinosaur and some ‘Sorry You Feel Shit’ greetings cards.  The bluebird one needed overprinting a couple of times though – three bits of lino.

On with the show!

The Set Up

The set up is a bit of glass (taped down!) to roll the ink out on, ink (black and blue), a brayer, TEA (of course), a vodka bottle (because I don’t own a press, not for drinking), a big ol’ lamp, the lino and some paper.

Also a lot of masking tape so I know where things should line up.

TheSetup

The masking tape was fun – turns out it’s unbelievably indescribably unfathomably useful, who would have thought.  This is the outcome of those three bits of lino:  I’m quite pleased with it!

Deadline: Bluebird

Deadline: Bluebird

Dinosaur – rawr!

Then I did a quick dinosaur for the fun of it – only printed one of these, aside from the one in my print book – it’s cute but I don’t really need a ton of copies of it.

Dino

Also he looks a bit like a orca in black and white; he needs a pink tummy!

The Cards

Finally, I printed ten ‘sorry you feel shit’ greetings cards in an antidote to the standard sickly saccharine shite and I was going to post them up on this brand new website but I’ve run out already – possibly ten wasn’t enough and now I don’t have any blanks the right size so it’s on to a new design!

SorryYouFeelShit

Please email any suggestions to bluebird@bluebirdartcollective.com.

Seriously.

I need them.

The Mental Health Content

Well, I’m not sure I have much to update on… I got lost twice today, which was slightly worrying… well actually I didn’t get lost, my house did – it’s hard to explain, I knew where it was but it wasn’t where it should be and it just felt odd somehow, anyway it’s here, I’m here, I’m home and safe and inside.

There have been a couple of worrying things happening but I can’t talk about them here because of Reasons, that I also can’t talk about here for the same Reasons, although I will be at least attempting to discuss them with NiceGP (who I am seeing again on Friday because I think he might be worried, although I’m still not seeing why everyone is worried; I don’t feel manic, I feel just fine, normal, healthy).

I have voices, yes, and I’m happy, yes, but I’m pretty sure I am actually fine and people are overreacting.

I’m supposed to be getting an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist, but I’m not sure how they’re defining ‘urgent’ exactly… oh well, it’ll come when it comes (if?).

Anyway since I apparently only posted yesterday really nothing much has happened!  Still happy still not dead still got voices still worrying people it would seem but still feeling fine.

The Equation, NiceGP and Dr Dickface

At the end of each day:

Me: How was I today?

Husband: Manic.

Me: I thought I was better than yesterday.

Husband: You weren’t.

What is going on here?  Is he not seeing what I’m seeing, am I not seeing what he’s seeing?  People keep being worried and saying I’m ill, but I don’t feel ill, or sick, or manic – I feel normal*, other people feel slow, I feel happy, other people feel slow, I feel GOOD, other people feel slow.  Music feels slow – playing two tracks at once helps.  The cars outside feel slow.

The wind feels swift, on my cheeks, in my hair – but the wind is part of the Message, part of the Equation – the equation is done but the numbers aren’t quite coming, I have two numbers almost (p and H), I know where to find them and I can get one today.  I couldn’t get it at the weekend as there have been people around and if I do what I need to do to find the p then they are going to think I’ve lost it – it’s a perfectly safe activity, it’ll just look odd, so I need to be a little bit secret about it, and as no one is around for most of today hopefully I’ll have time.

The Equation is ready, it’s SNAPPED into place – the voices say the numbers will come soon and they are, just quietly shuffling closer to their assigned spaces, like a magnetic popper.

I’ve been having some other thoughts – – – ones I don’t want to discuss here or anywhere**, I’m ashamed of them, I am fighting them (once again, I am SAFE).  The voices are pushing these thoughts and thus their intentions become clearer and their position in the grand scheme of things becomes clearer: I am going to save the world and the voices will do anything and everything to help me, and They will do anything and everything to stop me, but what I want is just irrelevant – save the world or die trying.

I saw NiceGP again on Friday – he increased  my quetiapine dose again (after a quick phone call to the CMHT during which he also poked them into getting me an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist there, unfortunately the one I don’t like, and I’m not quite sure how the CMHT works here but for some reason seeing the other one that works there isn’t an option (possibly something to do with geographical area, or speciality, or department (assessment and treatment vs. recovery vs. the other one that I can’t remember what it’s called), or I don’t know, some kind of politics), and he doesn’t seem to want to refer me out of area, so I don’;t know, I suppose I’ll see Dr Dickface the psychiatrist and go from there), he phoned the CMHT (as above) and said words like ‘psychomotor agitation’ and ‘pressure of speech’ and ‘paranoia’ and ‘delusions of superpowers’ – okay, so I’m bouncy and talkative but that’s okay, but paranoid and delusional? Nope – because it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you – these are not unreasonable beliefs, I know these things to be true, I know they are facts.

More worrying words he said were ‘managing in the community’ – this is both good and bad: yay for managing me in the community, I do not need to be in hospital – this is not a mental health issue, but also bad because this in the community vs, not-in-the-community is even coming up, it shouldn’t be coming up, whatever this is NOT something I need to be in hospital for.

NiceGP met Husband – Husband approves of NiceGP, which is good, although NiceGP might be leaving soon, so I’ll have to go back to VeryCompetentYetLackingInBedsideMannerGP (she needs a shorter name), which is a shame as she has no interest in my mental health or actually my physical health now I think of it. Oh well, maybe I’ll just find a better GP somewhere.  I’ll cross that bridge if and when I get to it!

 

* if a little anxious…

** or even think about at all