Warning Signs

Oh okay, did I maybe speak too soon with regards to my mood? It’s been escalating over the last few days. I am annoying, bouncy, unfettered but still in control. I can sit still and settle to tasks. But does it really matter if my mood skips up a bit? As long as it doesn’t skip out of control and stop me functioning, surely it’s okay, normal even? It’s not a ‘normal’ mood, as much as I want to normalise it, I don’t see other people doing the things I do and thinking like I think (unless they’re hypomanic/manic of course), but it is not hypomania. Let’s call it sub-clinical, if we have to call it anything.

The crucial point here is that I, with my ‘support network’, can deal with this without having to call in the cavalry (which is a word apparently from the Italian for ‘horse’ – cavallo), I just need to stick to the lists and keep taking the meds. I hate having to take them, because of course I don’t need them do I? But I do, I know I do, I need to learn from history. I need to think about that diagram from the last post. Break the cycle and avoid the triggers. The problem being that cold I had of course, but if I keep avoiding triggers but also avoid aggravating factors like physics, poor sleep hygiene (bleurgh), and oh wait I think I have four or five large projects on the go right now, so let’s shelve some of those for now. I am sleeping still, around six hours a night which isn’t too bad, but still less than I would consider normal for me.

I have alerted Husband to the fact that convincing myself to take meds is getting more and more difficult, so he is helping (mostly by nagging until I take them, but that is what is needed right now). I haven’t told him about the headnoise, mostly because I’m not sure it’s anything to worry about, and if I tell him he will worry. It’s not all real words, and the rest is nonsense. I’m not even properly ‘hearing’ most of it, more feeling it. I think I have heard the term pseudo-hallucinations in relation to this state of non-hearing. The problem is that this is what has preceded every single manic episode I can remember, which have all resulted in full on voice-hearing, messages from the TV and so on. Phase one doesn’t always result phase two, but phase two is always preceded by phase one. For now, being aware of it is sufficient.

Medication – The Outcome

Well for now I’m carrying on with the meds. Husband has stated that although he won’t force me to take them, he knows I’ll get ill without them. Really, what has settled it for now is that as a mental health nursing student he gives people these exact meds all the time and he knows it doesn’t hurt them. He says he’d never let me get hurt so if the meds were going to hurt me then he wouldn’t want me to take them.

The problem with this is still the same – he doesn’t hear what I hear and he doesn’t believe what the voices say is true. I tried to explain that they’re on my side and just trying to keep me safe. The noise wants me to take the meds.

Every morning and every night is a fight to take the meds. The tap water is still poisoned – so no water, nothing cooked with water, so I drink juice, or I don’t drink. I think I’m drinking enough, no thirst or other problems to speak of other than being a bit tired (but that could be a touch of anaemia judging from the colour of my lips). I’m on a protein shake diet so I’m getting 660ml of liquid a day that way anyway. I won’t die of thirst anyway.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to get hurt. People are trying to hurt me and kill me. I don’t know how to fight them, I don’t know how to go on the offence. Everything I do is reactionary and defensive.