I think I’m okay. I thought I was okay, only other people say I’m not.
Do you think you might be manic?
What he means is ‘You Are Manic’. I don’t agree – I am bouncy and happy and a touch irritable but no more than that, more importantly it is not an illness and in no way part of an illness, it’s just me, I am always happy, my default emotion is happy I AM NEVER BORED. I can’t let myself get bored, there is no excuse when I have a list of Things To Do as long as I have, and a project list 19 items long plus a few I haven’t actually added yet – some large things some small things, and there are the eternal things like washing. No Excuse List
Do you think you might be manic?
No! Really I’m not, I’m fine! I am functioning most of the time – I’m vaguely clean, I’m pretty sure I ate yesterday, I definitely had breakfast this morning. I can go outside in the garden as much as I like, even if I do sometimes get too caught up in counting the wind and analysing cherry formations. I can go out to Sainsbury’s or wherever but it can be a little bit triggering in terms of voices, but they’re okay, they’re trying to help, trying to keep me safe and help me save the world:
Just wait and see.
My notebooks are getting full again, just like this one from last year when I was actually manic, except that I’m okay this time and I know I’m okay because I’m not smelling weird things (cleaning products into beer) anymore and I am coping and functioning and whatnot.
I’ve gone off topic a bit here.
I was trying to write about my GP appointment.
I got discharged (again) from the CMHT back to my GP. I hadn’t realised, but it didn’t really matter since I haven’t contacted them since February anyway. Because I’ve been fine most of the time and actually coped well when I had a little blip back in March – ish. I have (had?) a prescription for 30mg of duloxetine twice a day so I could mess around with my dose until something worked in a notdepressed/notmanic sort of a way. My CPN was brilliant – let me get really involved in decisions like that.
She wasn’t so great with the voices, quote: “can you not listen to them while I’m talking please”. I expected better, but oh well. She is nice really. She’s got brilliant taste in shoes as well. I find I often recognise mental health professionals by their shoes rather than anything else – like faces. Remind me: I have some old fashioned clothes pegs that need painting in some form or other.
I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy – same every month, only this time there’s no duloxetine – oh. Prescription has somehow changed itself(?) to 30mg duloxetine once a day, but a two month supply so it looked to me like I had enough – only, when did this change? I don’t know, I don’t think I ever looked that close and the pharmacy has the green and white bits of paper anyway because they sort my repeats of course. I booked an appointment with NiceGP, only he refused point blank to give me more antidepressants and now I’m on 15mg duloxetine instead of 60mg. Oh. But actually – no difference to be seen yet (seven days now, I don’t know how long it would take), so if it turns out I never needed 60 or 45 or even 30 then I don’t know what to think, maybe it never did anything and I was running on my own steam, which leads me back to the inevitable ‘do I even need these?’ question that I go through Every Single Day, especially with the quetiapine – which NiceGP has increased, incidentally. He’s also referred me back to the CMHT (again) to get my meds sorted. They’re going to love me… Oh well!
Good, so I think that’s everything for now. I have another GP appointment Friday for reasons that I can’t quite remember – possibly he wants to check I’ve not gone batshit insane with the meds changes.
I need to get him to check my heart rate – the GPS chip in it is dicking around again.