What Next?

Following on from my previous post, a quick update. I saw my GP again, around two or three weeks later, still with suicidal ideation, and a plan, so he did in the end put me back on antidepressants for a maximum of one month and with strict instructions to come off them at the first sign of any loopiness. Within two weeks I was getting hypomanic and feeling just amazing, so I stopped the antidepressants immediately. Unfortunately the high mood seems to have stuck around and is getting out of control (this is according to Husband, I feel perfectly normal!)

I’m trying to be objective – no, I’m not sitting still, or managing to complete tasks without going off on a series of tangents. Apparently I’m talking quickly and jumping from topic to topic (although it doesn’t seem like that to me!). I don’t think I’m hearing voices but it’s so hard to tell what I’m actually hearing and what other people are hearing, and I’m not 100% sure about what I should be hearing. Does that make sense? People say it doesn’t but it does to me, maybe I’m not explaining well. I can’t tell if what I’m hearing is the same as what other people are hearing. I could ask I suppose, but Husband is already worried enough, and I don’t want to look like a crazy person. The things I’m not sure about hearing are mostly about numbers and their various levels of important, and about certain branches of physics and the associated experiments. There are also some bits about the danger of the physics from certain other people. 2058 is showing up everywhere.

Husband wants me to see my GP again – this is only five weeks after my last visit. I don’t want to be going too often, but at the moment he’s literally my only mental health support. I’m trying to tell myself that if I had a CPN, or support worker or something, a five week interval would be considered a huge break for most people. The thing is that there’s nothing he can do. He can’t increase my olanzapine as he only has the authority from the consultant to put it up to 10mg. He could refer me back to th CMHT I suppose, but I’ve managed to avoid them for over a year which has been brilliant because although they help I’m not that mental and I don’t need them. So what’s next? Husband says I’ve lost control and it’ll no longer get better by itself. But I’m still stuck on the idea that I’m FINE!

Warning Signs

Oh okay, did I maybe speak too soon with regards to my mood? It’s been escalating over the last few days. I am annoying, bouncy, unfettered but still in control. I can sit still and settle to tasks. But does it really matter if my mood skips up a bit? As long as it doesn’t skip out of control and stop me functioning, surely it’s okay, normal even? It’s not a ‘normal’ mood, as much as I want to normalise it, I don’t see other people doing the things I do and thinking like I think (unless they’re hypomanic/manic of course), but it is not hypomania. Let’s call it sub-clinical, if we have to call it anything.

The crucial point here is that I, with my ‘support network’, can deal with this without having to call in the cavalry (which is a word apparently from the Italian for ‘horse’ – cavallo), I just need to stick to the lists and keep taking the meds. I hate having to take them, because of course I don’t need them do I? But I do, I know I do, I need to learn from history. I need to think about that diagram from the last post. Break the cycle and avoid the triggers. The problem being that cold I had of course, but if I keep avoiding triggers but also avoid aggravating factors like physics, poor sleep hygiene (bleurgh), and oh wait I think I have four or five large projects on the go right now, so let’s shelve some of those for now. I am sleeping still, around six hours a night which isn’t too bad, but still less than I would consider normal for me.

I have alerted Husband to the fact that convincing myself to take meds is getting more and more difficult, so he is helping (mostly by nagging until I take them, but that is what is needed right now). I haven’t told him about the headnoise, mostly because I’m not sure it’s anything to worry about, and if I tell him he will worry. It’s not all real words, and the rest is nonsense. I’m not even properly ‘hearing’ most of it, more feeling it. I think I have heard the term pseudo-hallucinations in relation to this state of non-hearing. The problem is that this is what has preceded every single manic episode I can remember, which have all resulted in full on voice-hearing, messages from the TV and so on. Phase one doesn’t always result phase two, but phase two is always preceded by phase one. For now, being aware of it is sufficient.

The Wrong Film

Today I watched a film. Sort of.

It was meant to be Titanic but after a good hour I realised that it was Lord of the Rings. And it was on silent.

So what had I been listening to, even – wrong film aside, easy mistake to make probably. Different colour, greenish browns instead of blueish greys but never mind. I’d thought the words were a bit off but apparently not quiiite managed to put two and two together. Or rather I did, but in this case 2+2 equalled banana.

Rose was telling me MI5 was watching. Probably that should have been a clue. That and all the other people chanting ‘reborn’ constantly.

I have given up watching TV for today.