I am not unwell at the moment, or at least as well as I’m ever likely to get. I’m encountering triggers and dealing with them well, for the most part. I did get a few early warning symptoms earlier this week – strange smells, strange noises from outside my head, slight sleep disruption – but again, I’ve managed them well and I’m not slipping too deep into an episode. It’s really bizarre! It’s like I’m walking on a knife edge, waiting to fall into mania or depression. It’s like I’m walking on eggshells, trying not to crack myself up. There’s a real feeling of being in limbo. Waiting.

I’m also in limbo in life outside mental illness. Husband is (hopefully, essay results allowing) about to start is third and final year of his mental health nursing degree, and is going to want to move out of my parents’ house as soon as possible, which means I need a job.

Jobs are difficut things because I am having to be really constrained about what I’m actually able to do without losing my marbles. I need a low stress job, so the field I originally trained in and have experience in is now off the cards. This is really disappointing – I want to be abe to do what I enjoy, but that isn’t an option anymore.

I know I’m lucky to be in a position where I can even consider employment.

I need a purpose in life, and I’m losing that with every successive episode. I’m scared my whole life is going to be a constant fight against triggers – and that’s exactly what it is going to be. Maybe this is true for everyone, but I don’t half feel alone in it.

I want a job, a house, kids. It’s getting increasingly unlikely I will get these things.

What happens if I get a job and can’t handle it? Would I qualify for ESA, housing benefit and the like? Would that even be enough money to live on? How is it affected by Husband’s job? All my care is provided by my GP – I don’t have a psychiatrist or CPN, so coud I still even apply for ESA given I’m not seeing a specialist? I suppose the answer is to go and ask CAB, but I’ve not given up on the idea of working yet.

Maybe I’m less well than I think I am. Now that I’m thinking about it. I’m going to bed at 8pm because I run out of ideas of what to do, asleep by 9, waking up 10 or 11 if there’s nothing else for me to be getting on with. It’s so hard to wake up in the mornings. It’s a bit hard to take my meds at the moment – the internal voice (the one everyone has, not a psychotic voice) is saying I don’t need them, there’s nothing wrong with me, I’d be fine without them. I’ve been quite open with Husband about this, and he’s helping out by reminding me that I do need them as I go far off the rails without them.

It just feels like one big mess at the moment. I dare not move for fear of pulling the tangle of threads tighter, knotting myself. I’m “being kind” to myself. Even though I don’t feel I deserve it.

Trigger – early warning – relapse – remission, trigger – early warning – relapse – remission, trigger – early warning – relapse – remission.

Rapid Cycling

When I was at university, yeaaaars ago now, I would cycling up and down pretty much daily, which was horrible and I hated it, but as I got older my mood episodes swung towards longer and more pronounced… things, which whilst also horrible, at least I could plan around them, and it also meant that I got long periods of stability in between. So now I’ve just switched from quitealotofquetiapine to alittleolanzapine and it’s not doing its job – I’m up to my ears in voices (pun intended, or whatever it is), my mood has switched three times in the last three weeks and a it. I saw my GP today as an aside since my blood test results came back and I’m anaemic (10, but the worst it’s ever been is 8 – I work on “can I get up the stairs without getting out of breath?” if yes, I’m not that anaemic, and as I can I thought I was probably okay, but apparently this is an ineffective scoring method probably because I’ve got so used to it. Maybe running will be easier now, I always struggled with my respiratory system giving out before my muscles) and whilst he was concerned about mood (and some other things I may have talked about but I don’t want to if I haven’t already, here anyway – just don’t want it where They (you know who I mean) can get hold of it) he just didn’t have the time to go into it properly. He’s an amazing GP, but I can see the NHS stifling him.

The olanzapine isn’t doing its job, and there’s no one to call to help – I think I’ve talked before about the lack of accessible services in my area, I’m on meds, I should be well, so I don’t get any help. I do wonder if they’d change their minds if they actually talked to me though. I’m appalled by the lack of care I’ve received – some stats: I haven’t seen a psychiatrist (outside of the hospital admission in November 2013) since February 2013; I haven’t seen a mental health professional at all since August 2014 (ish, I can’t be arsed with looking things up), and god knows I’ve NEEDED to! I’ve seriously considered making a complaint, perhaps via PALS, but to be perfectly honest I’m not sure it would achieve anything other than get me blacklisted by the CMHT, and they’re really nice people besides, they just have limited resources.

I’m looking at other options for getting help – private is too expensive, although my parents have said they could pay for 3 or so sessions to get my medication sorted, but that won’t help with things like applying for benefits/jobs and other services the CMHT have (or at least used to have). The wonderful Sean has pointed me in the direction of Together UK, which looks like it could be useful. It’s hard though, I really don’t have the brain functionality to sort this out right now and Husband and my family all have too much on their plates, I can’t ask more of them and Husband (although he feels like a dick doing it) really doesn’t like me when I’m manic (and of course I don’t blame him, I’m horrendous) I don’t want this! The Voices aren’t helping with the whole thing, I’m trying to pretend I don’t hear them but I don’t know how well it’s working. Maybe people have noticed.